Short Column Today

I'm in Minneapolis right now, getting ready to go to a seminar. No, I'm not staying in some luxurious hotel, I'm staying with my parents. For some reason, I only get sent to seminars that are within reach of my apartment or my parents' house.

So today, instead of waking up late, like I normally do on my Wednesday mornings off, I'll be waking up at 7 a.m. and driving an hour to Hutchinson, Minn., so some jerk too lazy to get a real job can get paid $3,000 to pretend they're a teacher for a day.

But for some reason, journalism is full of people who like seminars. It's amazing that people who are supposed to be able to decipher bullcrap from truth better than anyone else get conned into actually enjoying seminars. Someday, when I'm too lazy to write articles, I'll hold a seminar about journalism once a month and spend the rest of the days eating Fruit Roll-ups and masturbating.

Or at least I'm pretty sure that's what seminar speakers do during all the other days of each month.

Ahem. Okay, so the seminar is in Hutchinson. Why, you ask? Because Hutchinson is the anti-fun capitol of the world, that's why. If you held a seminar anywhere near a bar, all the journalists would show up three hours late, drunk out of their gourds. Or at least those of us who are dedicated to our craft would.

But nevertheless, I'm pumped to be home, mainly because my parents have cable TV. It's midnight right now, and I'm watching Looney Tunes cartoons. Dog scares cat. Cat jumps 30 feet in air and hangs upside-down from telephone pole. Rockin'. Real life should be like this.

A Norm Coleman commercial just came on. Someone should tell him that his haircut makes him look like a goob. Anyway, he's explaining how he doesn't like the idea of someone scaring his mother (a reference to the threat of social security being taken away. A really awkward reference to the threat of social security being taken away, might I add). Well let me say this, Mr. Coleman:

I'll scare your mother. I'll scare your mother GOOD.

I'm not sure why that needed to be in italics, but it looks better that way. To heck with traditional uses for italics. I spit on your italics rulebook. I scoff at your required italics workbook exercises.

Well, it's a short column today, folks. I apologize, but having to work late on deadline day and then driving two and a half hours makes things kind of tough, especially with the extra driving I have to do in the morning (probably now for you). But hey, I'll make up for it tomorrow by buying a big poo burger at Hardee's for each of you. Oh, it doesn't matter which burger on the Hardee's menu you normally prefer; they're all big poo burgers.