Sh*tty 'Leave It to Beaver' Column

Beaver: Gee, Wally. Where's the Daily Ramblings column today?

Wally: Sorry Beav, but Paul Ryan is at a seminar in Hutchinson, Minn., and won't be back until late.

Beaver: Where's Hutchinson, Wally?

Wally: Hutchinson lies deep in the pits of sulfurous hell, Beav. Mr. Ryan should be back to writing columns tomorrow.

Beaver: Gee, Wally. Mr. Ryan sure is a dirty assbagger, what with him not doing a column today and all.

Wally: Right you are, Beav. Mr. Ryan is a dirty assbagger. I reckon he's the dirtiest, most assbagging person that ever lived.

Beaver: So what does Mr. Ryan do at these seminars?

Wally: Usually he just shouts something about having the runs, and sits in the men's room of the hotel until the seminar is over.

Beaver: Are there any girls at these seminars, Wally?

Wally: Not any attractive ones, Beav. The only thing even remotely close to attractive girls that Mr. Ryan will see all day are the community college skanks at the Superamerica gas station where he buys his breakfast. You've seen them before, Beav, haven't you? When we go to the Superamerica around 7 a.m. on weekdays? They're the girls who keep their dirty blond hair stuffed into a sloppy ponytail, and sport a tired look on their face that tells you they've been up all night smoking weed.

Beaver: Are those the same girls who talk like raspy old witches because they smoke two packs of Marlboro Lights a day?

Wally: The same, Beav.

Beaver: And the same girls who look like they're 45 years old because of all the fake baking they've done?

Wally: Those, indeed, are community college skanks, Beav.

Beaver: Don't they all have a horribly painful case of herpes?

Wally: Yes, Beav. And that's why you should always wash with soap and water after shaking hands with professors at community colleges.

Beaver: Gee, Wally. Does Mr. Ryan have herpes yet?

Wally: I'm afraid not, Beav. But I pray every night that he will.

Beaver: I'll pray for it too, Wally. That Mr. Ryan sure is a filthy dickjiggler, isn't he?

Wally: Yes, Beav. But don't swear out loud. You'll worry father.

Father: Wally, I'm worried about the beaver.

Wally: He's fine, dad. In fact, the Beaver is standing right next to you.

Father: Actually Wally, I was referring to your mother. She doesn't put out like she used to.

Wally: I know what you mean. She won't put out for me either.

Beaver: Gee, Wally. I tagged her twice today. Maybe she's just tired.