I Am Ferris Bueller

It's a Ferris Bueller day. Or rather, it's a Ferris Bueller day off.

My car had a flat tire just before the local auto shop closed on Thursday, which wouldn't be so significant if all the tires weren't about five miles from blowing out. Especially the one that's so old that the little coils are coming through the rubber. And the one that's already three-fourths flat. And the one that's so bald, Terry Bradshaw could legally sue it for trademark infringement.

Oh, and there's the whole deal about my blinkers not working, and none of the other lights on the back of the car working. Personally, I don't see why it's my problem if other people have trouble because they don't know I'm putting on the brakes. "Caveat Paul emptor", I always say.

(Calling into background) Hey, do we have a Latin expert on the Dailyramblings.com staff? No? Well then, what do we have? What?!? A Sanscript expert?!? No wonder this website is filing Chapter 11.

Anyway, I'm going to have trouble getting to work tomorrow, seeing how the only bus that goes to the town where I work stops nowhere near my apartment. And also because the bus stops service to and from the town before my workday is done. Maybe the mechanics will let me borrow that nice-looking hotrod-ish car that's always outside their service garage. Or maybe they'll laugh, and punch me in the nards.

Staying on the subject mentioned in the title of this column, it's kind of nice having an excuse not to go to work. Friday is usually only a half-day for me anyway. My boss is also gone today, which helps, because now if he complains about this, I can don a sad puppy dog face and carry on about how I "just wanted to be like him."

Wow. It's a weird feeling having a whole day off, without being sick or feeling guilty for faking it, like when you were in college, and you called Perkins and told them someone else was going to have to come in and screw up the pancakes. Perkins should have been delighted when I called in, seeing how I can't crack an egg without using a hammer.

Yes, reader, let's stop and think about what a great day Friday will be. The fat weather people said it's supposed to be partly cloudy, which is better than the onslaught of pouring rain we've had. I'll have nothing to do all day but sit with a copy of the New York Times I stole from some guy downstairs who is on vacation. Building manager informed me of that one. I just walk down early every day and snatch up the guy's newspaper before it gets thrown out. But I digress.

Actually, no, let me take that back. I won't digress. Let's not digress this morning. Come with me, reader, to the land of non-digressionary column writing. Let's do what we want to do today. Let's eat a breakfast that doesn't involve cereal. Let's skip our jobs and classes and obligations, and just take in the nice day. And hell, if it's a crappy day, then let's have fun with the crappy day.

Be free, reader! Let's all poke holes in our tires today, and just be the laziest sons of bitches we can be.

George W. Bush follows this routine almost every day. Why shouldn't you get your turn?