E-mails, Comments, Clarifications and Random Complaints From Readers

Well, well, well. It's time for another letters column, where I once again read things that you, the reader, wrote to me while drunk.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. It's wasn't a true statement. I mean, some of you were probably stoned, too.

In classic fashion, our first two letters are the most brutal. I found them when I checked my old e-mail address. This is the first time I've checked it in a few months, so the letters are referring to the anti-Canada feature in the humor vault. But the letters are only a few months old, and after reading them, I felt the need to share the comments of these bright, intelligent citizens (of Canada). Our first letter is from Joe, whom I suspect is from Canada.

CANADA KICKS ASS!!!!!! GO (expletive) YOUR MOM IN THE ASS YA (expletive) RED MOTHER(expletive) AMERICAN!

Boy, there's nothing I enjoy more than someone who writes all in capital letters. AND WITH RIDICULOUS PUNCTUATION, TOO!!!!!!!!?&%^^$$@!!!

Seriously, these are the letters I miss getting. Your next assignment, reader, is to send me a letter like that last one. But let's get to the second letter. This letter writer, who I assume is also Canadian, writes to us about the joke I made about game show host Alex Trebek in the anti-Canada feature. Here's the short message from Jake.

Alex Trebek feeds the poor.

Thank you, Jake. That was a stunningly random comment. "Alex Trebek feeds the poor." But I'm sure Hitler also gave to the local food shelf at some point.

Joe and Jake came to this website through the website for "Amazing Tales" magazine. I think "Amazing Tales" magazine is a wonderful publication, but unfortunately, it is widely known to specialize in readers that are . . . oh, what do doctors call them nowadays? What was the word . . . ah, yes! Lepers. That's the word I was looking for. Perhaps it's the leprosy that keeps Joe and Jake from realizing that the anti-Canada feature was A FREAKING JOKE.

Oh well. I've never made a leper laugh before, so it's not like it's any skin off my nose. Oh! Ha! What a pun! That was funny!

Anyway, let's keep moving. If lepers keep sending me letters at this rate, we'll be doing these columns for the next month.

Our next letter is quite supportive of my column, which makes me wonder whether or not someone's screwing with me. Anyway, here's some pleasant words from Lenore, who lives somewhere in California.

I would just like to say thank you for pulling me out of my bullshit period of depression. Reading your Ramblings really cheered me up.

Hmmm. That's odd. Usually, I'm good at depressing women, rather than cheer them up. Are you sure you were reading my columns, and not the ones from "Amazing Tales" magazine? Because those leper stories really crack me up, too.

How many more leper jokes do you think I can make, reader? Do you think I've run out of leper-esque material? Ye have little faith, reader. Ye have little faith.

It's always a good day when Randy from Superior, Wis. writes. Actually, it's a good day when anyone writes me, so scratch that last comment. But nevertheless, Randy–one of the few who were nice enough to e-mail me–read the column where I pretended to win an Emmy (Column 138, September 23, "My Emmy Award"). In this column, I did a different version of the usual acceptance speech, in that I only listed off the people I didn't want to thank. Here's Randy's comments:

Ordinarily I just giggle, but for this one I laughed. Thanks for the endorphins.

Endorphins? What's that? A form of herpes? Well, if you hadn't rubbed your groin against the computer screen, you wouldn't have this problem. Oh, and by the way, if you go to the swimming pool and you see the two lepers who wrote in, don't let them borrow your towel. Boy, did I learn that one the hard way.

Our last letter, God be praised, comes from Adam in Richfield, Minn. Adam also recommended this week's Ghetto Weather in his letter. What a nice fella. I'll try my best not to make any leper jokes about him.

Adam is writing about last Thursday's "Leave it to Beaver" column (Column 141, September 26, "Sh*tty 'Leave it to Beaver' Column"). Let's see what he has to say.

Oh Lord. That was wrong. It wasn't as wrong as the one you did about Diff'rent Strokes (you remember the one where Orson Welles wasn't wearing pants? That one). Anyway, the thought of Jerry Mathers using the term "Assbagger" was amusing. Also, the dialogue about the "Community College skanks" who work at SuperAmerica was right on the money. You've captured very well the fright and unpleasantness involved with buying gasoline and snack foods from these disease-ridden harlots.

Yes, Adam, getting gas can indeed be both frightening and unpleasant. It's especially frightening when my father gets gas at dinner parties.

Well, that's all for today, folks. But be sure to come back tomorrow, when I expose the contents of Al Capone's wine cellar. Is it stocked with well-aged wine, or just filled with massive groups of inebriated lepers who want to grope you and steal your watch? You'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out.