Christopher Columbus Day Sucks

This so-called "real world" sucks. I can't believe they made me work yesterday, on Columbus Day.

Are we not obligated to celebrate Christopher Columbus, the man who was sent out to find spices and accidentally discovered America? Are we not obligated to learn about how this entire country was founded (and I use that term loosely) by a buffoon who couldn't so much as navigate his way out of a wet paper bag? I need this day off, so I can quench my thirst for Christopher Columbus knowledge. I have questions that need answering.

For instance, why spices? I've used spices, and while they're a marginally helpful cooking accessory, they really don't do much. And besides, why do Italians in 1492– people who pooped in pots beside their beds and then dumped them out the window– need to be so concerned with high-class things like spices? They aren't even smart enough to dig a poo hole in the ground and surround it with privacy fencing, but they feel the need to kill, plunder and overtake entire continents so they can flavor their gruel with spices?

I'll never know of the theories and studies done regarding the lack of early Italian poo sheds, because I had to work. I barely had time to hack out this brief complaint, because I was spending all day writing articles and attending a city council meeting. A city council meeting on Columbus Day? Sick bastards!

This column could have been so much better. If I had been allowed to spend the day researching at the library, instead of writing about the city council, I could have written a column about Columbus' horrible atrocities: rape, herpes infestation, and the burning and pillaging of Native American villages. But no, you're instead stuck with an entire column of only marginally educational information, such as the pooping in pots tidbit above.

Tell me: did Columbus really have herpes, or was it one of those randy dandy cases of syphilis? I don't know! And now you don't know! All this because I had to work yesterday! Don't you see the light of knowledge slowly slipping away from you?!?

What would Christopher Columbus say if he were brought back to life today? I'll tell you what he'd say. I've re-enacted the basics of the conversation in the picture below.

For shame, employers! Perhaps someday Columbus will come back as a ghost, and haunt all who do not long to research his VD/feces removal history. Once again, I have created a re-enactment of what I think Columbus coming back as a scary ghost would look like. Check it out, if you dare, in the picture below.

What, that's not what you had in mind? It's very difficult to create realistic images of ghosts, you know. For instance, you know that ghost that scares the old librarian lady in the movie "Ghostbusters"? Very difficult and time consuming to make. So I had to make do with the time and materials that I had.

But despite the lack of custom screen printing for overly-joyful pumpkin images in 1492, and besides the fact that they probably didn't go trick or treating back then (for fear of spreading a plague of some sort), I'm sure they would have liked to. I mean, when a massive case of diarrhea causes locals to open the second-story window, stick their loaded arse out and yell "Squirteth ahoy!" to the unsuspecting victims below*, getting free candy is probably like heaven on earth.

*Note: accuracy of said fact or occurrence may be unfounded.

But I suppose it doesn't matter. Straight facts aren't funny anyway. Someday, I'll open my own humor newspaper, like "The Onion", and then I'll get freakin' Columbus Day off. Why am I even capitalizing the phrase, when I don't get the day off? Screw it all, and screw Columbus Day. Those mail carriers have it made.