E-mails, Comments, Clarifications and Random Complaints from Readers

Well, my little Rambleteers, put on your Uncle Phil hats and let's get this show started (I don't really understand what I just said. But the green Nyquil tastes great in my Lucky Charms cereal). I've received a barrage of letters lately, mainly because I've been bribing people with Uncle Phil underpants.

Anyway, let's head to our first letter. Unlike 99% of the other letters I receive, this one actually involves more than one vague sentence. Good job, reader. I knew you could do it. Meghan from Spokane, Wash. is concerned with my dating, or lack thereof. How she would know is both creepy and disturbing, but her letter is bright and cheerful, nonetheless.

Hi there Paul! I've been a fan of your column for quite sometime and am worried that the quality of "Ramblings" future is dependant on you getting some action or at least a date in the near future. I have a solution to your predicament. My dear friend Dani (don't worry buddy, it's short for Danielle) is perfect for you. And even if you live in different states and probably have different economic, political, and religious backgrounds, I think you should give it a shot. I'm including a link to her website. Enjoy!

Friendly opening . . . followed by brutal comment regarding dating life. Thanks. I'll put you on the list of people who get the ugly Christmas cards we had left over from last year.

Economic, political and religious differences, eh? Hmmm. So she's rich, Republican and Amish? My, that is intriguing! Two conditions, though, Meghan: first, she has to agree to buy me things. Pretty, shiny things. Secondly, she has to shave off her Amish beard. And get rid of that stupid padre hat.

Anyone else who finds a girl who fits those requirements will receive a shiny new donkey in the mail.

Our next letter comes from Bec, who hails from Superior, Wis. Bec enjoyed the photo essay about my frustrations with redesigning this site (Column 148, October 7, "Paul is Exhausted").

I think the computer lab addicts think I'm nuts. I am laughing while they are all typing e-mails to their moms.

Oh Bec, you're just jealous because your mom gets wasted at three in the afternoon and sends love letters to radio newsman Paul Harvey instead.

Our next letter comes from my good friend Ian, in Minneapolis, Minn. Ian, like many readers, enjoyed the column I wrote ripping on Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle (Column 152, October 11, "Tom Daschle: A Republican in Sheep's Clothing"). Like everyone else who wrote in, Ian's letter was only one sentence long. I chose his letter over the others because his at least involved an ellipsis, which implies that the thought of two sentences had occurred to him at some point. Let's see what Ian had to say:

Fuck yeah, man...you rock on and keep tellin' it like it is.

Fuck indeed, my friend. Fucketh yes. The fuckness: indubitably so. Ian recently got married, and we're all disappointed in him for not allowing us to show up dressed like Hitler. Or maybe that was just me. I was going to dress up as the "pretty pigtailed Hitler", if that helps any.

Our last letter today comes from Nikki in St. Paul, Minn. She was upset with my lack of Christopher Columbus knowledge (Column 154, October15, "Christopher Columbus Day Sucks").

Erm, Paul? He was Spanish, not Italian, remember? Queen Isabella? Whatever , , , go back to making paper hats . . .

There's absolutely nothing wrong with making paper hats on Columbus Day, Nikki. And when you work in an office full of newspapers, the temptation can be difficult, to say the least. Now, if I were to celebrate by defecating in a bedpan and tossing it out the window, or by spreading diseases to various unsuspecting parties, that would be wrong.

Wrong, like the direction this column is heading. Let's end it now. Keep sending in more letters, reader.