Selling Out

DAILY RAMBLINGS ALMOND JOY COMMERCIAL WITH PAUL RYAN, TAKE ONE:

Paul: Hi, I'm Paul Ryan, creator of the well-known website, Daily Ramblings.

Director: Cut! Ah, Paul? Your website isn't well-known. Let's take that again.

DAILY RAMBLINGS ALMOND JOY COMMERCIAL WITH PAUL RYAN, TAKE TWO:

Paul: Hi, I'm Paul Ryan. You may know me from my website, Daily Ramblings.

Director: Cut! Paul, nobody knows you from your website. No one goes to your stupid website. This isn't the time or the place to advertise your website. We picked you for this role because of your wonderfully firm and rounded buttocks. Now let's take it again.

DAILY RAMBLINGS ALMOND JOY COMMERCIAL WITH PAUL RYAN, TAKE THREE:

Paul: Man, Almond Joy sucks. Who puts stupid fake coconut in a candy bar, anyway?

Director: Cut! That's real coconut in those candy bars, and lots of people like them.

Paul: Real coconuts? I don't see "copra" anywhere on the ingredients list, buttmouth.

Director: Buttmouth?

Paul: Yeah, you stick butts in your mouth, and then you–

Director: Okay, stop! Look, nobody likes real coconuts. Nobody likes real anything. Coconuts, strawberries, cherries, grapes: nobody likes the "real" taste of those things. So we provide them with a more mainstream version, which has now become so popular that we can officially consider our alternative flavors to be the "real" flavors.

Paul: This is so messed up.

DAILY RAMBLINGS ALMOND JOY COMMERCIAL WITH PAUL RYAN, TAKE FOUR:

Paul: Hi, my name's Paul Ryan. You don't know me, but my ass is a marvel for all to see. It's clear perfection, and at the end of each day, I squirt out a few logs, wrap them in plastic and call them, "Almond Joy."

Director: Cut, cut, cut! Paul, that's disgusting. And untruthful. Now let's try this again, but with a catchy slogan. You've done some improv before, so make up a snappy saying that people will enjoy and identify with.

DAILY RAMBLINGS ALMOND JOY COMMERCIAL WITH PAUL RYAN, TAKE FIVE:

Paul: Almond Joy: so much coconut in every bar that you'll feel like you're Gilligan, boning Mr. Howell's wife.

Director: Cut! That's IT! Bring in the replacement, Uncle Phil.

DAILY RAMBLINGS ALMOND JOY COMMERCIAL WITH UNCLE PHIL, TAKE ONE:

Phil: Oohhhh yeah! I love Almond Joy! Nothing better than a bunch of nuts and white goo in my mouth!

Director: Cut! Phil, what was that?

Phil: Sorry. I'll do better this time.

Director: Good. And get rid of the "Kool-Aid Man" yell.

Phil: Sigh . . . okay.

DAILY RAMBLINGS ALMOND JOY COMMERCIAL WITH UNCLE PHIL, TAKE TWO:

Phil: Almond Joy: now with only 44 grams of sugar!

Director: Cut! No good! Try again!

DAILY RAMBLINGS ALMOND JOY COMMERCIAL WITH UNCLE PHIL, TAKE THREE:

Phil: Mmmmm, Almond Joy. Ever had the urge to take the biggest nuts you've ever seen, and smear those boys around in chocolate? Don't be ashamed, it's perfectly natural . . .

Director: CUT! CUUUUUUUT! That's it! We're done with this! You're both fired!

Paul: Man, corporate sponsorship sucks. I'm going back to the internet.

Phil: Right on. TV isn't ready for our fine brand of humor. They're too behind the times.

Paul: Yeah, and besides, the internet has free porn.