Quotes I Made Up

"Me? Get shot tonight? Ha! If I get shot at the theater, I'll give you four dollars."

-Abraham Lincoln, to John Wilkes Booth

"Oh, I forgot to tell you. I have herpes, and not the fun kind."

-Sonny Bono, right before Cher divorced him

"Cocaine rules!"

-Al Franken, in 1977 on the SNL set

"I hope they put me in the guy's ward in prison. God, I love being gangbanged."

-Martha Stewart

"Katie Couric is so hot. My balls hurt every time I co-host with her."

-Matt Lauer

"I am so worthless in bed. I just lay there like a dead fish."

-Britney Spears

"I wish I were tall enough to ride the tilt-o-whirl."

-Gary Coleman

"I'll never drink again."

-Everyone, during a hangover

"If my dad hadn't worked so hard, I'd be employed at K-mart."

-George W. Bush

"It is significant that the 2-d density of states does not depend on energy. Immediately, as the top of the energy-gap is reached, there is a significant number of available states. Taking into account the other energy levels in the quantum well, the density of states takes on a staircase-like function."

-Eminem

"I'm a horrible racist. Luckily, I'm an African American, so nobody says anything about it."

-Spike Lee

"If you're blue and you don't know, where to go to, why don't you go, where fashion sits? Putting on the ritz. Dressed up like a million dollar trooper, trying hard to look like Gary Cooper. Super-duper!"

-Theodore Roosevelt, on a drunken binge

"Where the fuck am I?"

-Waldo

"I am so goddamn worthless."

-Rick Dees, John Ashcroft and Michael Jackson

"We try to answer all mail within 72 hours."

-Paul Ryan