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Letters From God ...................Paul Ryan
I'm sorry, but you seem to be a bit misinformed. Even though my Son's birthday is often celebrated with gifts, the practice was not my idea. So you see, your accusation that I failed to bring you a bicycle during the Christmas of 1983 is absolutely absurd. In addition, I'd like to point out that it was not I whose lap you sat on at the mall that year. I believe it was a man posing as Santa Claus. A pagan substitute for a pagan idol, it seems. So while I would love to, as you so kindly put it, "bring you a damn bicycle right now", it's just not my thing. Running the world as I do, there's not much time for me to build toys and deliver them to people. I hope this clears things up.
Sincerely,
I believe you have been misinformed once again. While I'm sorry that you never got the board game "Mouse Trap" for your eleventh birthday, there's nothing I can or could have done about it. I don't deliver toys at all; not for birthdays or Christmas. I hope this information will prove satisfactory to you. Please do not send any further correspondence.
Sincerely,
Your rude response to my last letter, in which you asked, "Well, what are you good for, then?", is entirely inappropriate. Might I remind you that mocking God is not the way to an eternity in heaven. Might I also add that your website, while amusing, is certainly not something that is improving your "eternal resume", so to speak. If you want to find the road to happiness, perhaps you should start by attending church every Sunday. Once again, please do not respond to this message. If you have further questions about life or the road to heaven, I would suggest you contact a pastor at your local church. I am very busy, and cannot field any more of your questions.
Sincerely,
Once again, you have ignored my advice and sent me more correspondence. How considerate of you. In regards to your letter: while I would like to believe that you're "busy on Sundays", as you claim, I think we both know that's a lie. You forget, Mr. Ryan, that I can see all. Last Sunday, for instance, you slept until 2 p.m., and then sat around in your boxer shorts playing the Nintendo game "Bo Jackson Baseball" (which you illegally obtained from the internet) on your computer. During that time, you became angry at the game and threw a can of Diet Coke at the bathroom door. You then proceeded to make some rather insulting remarks about Mr. Jackson and his mother. What makes this worse is the fact that your apartment building is situated roughly eight feet from a church. For crying out loud, you can see it every time you look out your window! Change your ways, Mr. Ryan. Otherwise, you'll be very sorry in the end. And quit sending me letters, you little jerk.
Repent immediately,
Stop sending me idiotic letters! What am I, your personal diary? Must you write to me every day?!? I have told you many times that I am very busy here! On another note, I am documenting the string of hideously offensive profanity you wrote to me in your last letter. In the past, I have let many of your horrid insults go without punishment, on account of your untreated mood swings, depression and mental instability. But this last one is going on your permanent record. And yes, you are a "window licker." A "Jerry's kid", if you will. In short, Mr. Ryan, you're completely retarded.
Sucks for you, 
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Dear Paul,
