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Halloween Safety Tips ...................Paul Ryan
Has every other humor columnist in the country already done this? Yes. Yes, they have. Do I care? No. No, I don't. It's a well-known fact that producing a plethora (three, in this case) of Halloween-related columns is a great way to get out of doing real columns. So let's start with some tips for kids and parents.
It's a common fact that hordes of thieves, rapists and people with HIV will roam the streets on Halloween, looking for victims. If you don't want your son to be robbed, your daughter to be given "the train", and your transgender child to be spit on by Magic Johnson, give them a gun or large knife. Giving them a weapon will also allow them to get more loot, since old ladies holding bowls of candy don't put up much of a fight. Tip 2: Always walk on the right-hand side of the road. There are lots of drunken hooligans driving to parties on Halloween. Kids should wear all-black clothing and walk on the right-hand side of the road (with traffic), so they won't be seen by drivers. If the drunken hooligans can't see the children, they won't be able to run them down. In England, cars drive on the wrong side of the road. If you're from England and are celebrating Halloween in your own country, remember that the aforementioned tip won't work. Instead of walking on the right-hand side, people from England should lie down in the middle of the road and die like the miserable wankers that they are. Tip 3: Pick your trick-or-treat houses carefully. Remind children that the houses without any lights on are probably the ones with the most candy. Tip 4: Pennies are unacceptable. There's nothing worse than going through all the trouble of dressing up and ringing doorbells, only to be disappointed by old people who give you sandwich bags full of pennies. Children should deal with such people by shouting profanity at them and biting them. Make sure to break the skin when you bite them, kids. Otherwise, you're not giving them something to remember you by. Tip 5: Check all candy before letting children eat it. If a piece of candy looks tampered with, have one of your child's friends act as a taste tester. That way if it is poisoned, someone else's child will die instead of yours.
Tip 1: Keep those little jerks away from your house. All children are evil little vandals who want to ruin you. Many people try to keep children away by doing what my dad used to do: turning off all the lights and hiding in the basement. But this tactic hasn't been proven to work, because it doesn't protect you from vandalism. To make your house safe from vandalism, leave hoses, ladders and other items in your yard to trip children. Also, make sure to keep your pets outside without a leash. While the sidewalk may legally be considered public property, you can get off scot-free if you claim the children crawled there after they were mauled by your dog. Tip 2: Punish vandals harshly. If you do see a child vandalizing your house, catch them and beat them with a tire iron. Then throw their lifeless body in someone else's yard, so you don't get in trouble. Tip 3: Look closely at costumes. Find children who weren't careful enough to use flame-retardant costumes, and set them on fire. Think of it as Darwin's "survival of the fittest."
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Halloween is upon us, which means it's time for I, the faithful and trustworthy columnist, to give you, the safety-ignorant reader, some Halloween safety tips.
