Paul's Christian Halloween Party

Oh dear. Oh my. Should I do this? Should I act like a jerk in today's column?

Of course I should. Halloween's coming up, and I need to do something evil. But is Halloween really an evil holiday? Well, boy doody! That's what today's column is all about!

I came across an article by accident, while searching for Halloween websites to make fun of. It's a website for Christians which debates the question of whether or not Halloween is Satan's holiday. Of course, that's a ridiculous thing to imagine. We all know Halloween is a greedy holiday, not a satanic one. Greed is fun.

By the way, feel free to donate to my greedy donation box at the bottom of this page.

Anyway, there was a link from this website that led to another one that gives tips on how to throw a good Christian Halloween party. Apparently, some people don't want their kids to grow up to be strippers and pornography store owners, so they teach them something called "values." Apparently, this party has these odd "values" that they speak of. Let's check it out and see. All we have to do is follow their step-by-step instructions.

1. The costumes chosen for the party should be of saints.

Saints? Okay, I'll be New Orleans Saints running back Deuce McAllister.

2. The festivities begin with a rosary. If said before the Vigil Mass of All Saints, the meditation can be Eucharistic. Otherwise, it is prayed for the Poor Souls, through the intercession of the Blessed Mother and the saints. This is the Communion of Saints at work! The De Profundis [Psalm 130 (129) Out of the Depths] is said or sung.

Ummmm. Hmmmm. Crap. Is this where we have to put money in the little plate? Double crap! Let's skip this part.

3. Then follows a candlelight procession, while singing the "Litany of the Saints", to the graveyard.

I don't know the words to "Litany of the Saints." Let's sing "My Prerogative" by Bobby Brown.

There's a lot more to the song than that, but we have to keep going. This is a really fun time so far, though.

There will be four tombstones: departed family, departed friends, departed clergy, and forgotten dead. At each tombstone lay red berries and an evergreen branch to symbolize the passion of Christ. Then prayers are said for each group. There may be a "poor soul" from purgatory present for a surprise visit and fearful reminder of the loss of sanctifying grace.

Okay, how'd we go from Bobby Brown–the youngest and arguably most talented member of the R&B group "New Edition"–to this? The "poor soul" has a script that was included as well, which is too long for me to print. But it basically goes like this: the "poor soul" is a woman (they refer to the person playing the part as a "she." If you think I'm bitter towards women, perhaps you're looking in the wrong place). This woman comes out and yells "Repent!" a bunch of times, and tells them to change their dirty little ways or else. Boy, isn't this party fun?

4. (Paraphrasing) Game of guessing Saints' names . . . a church-like play . . . scavenger hunt . . . sing-along . . . marshmallow roast over fire.

Zzzzzzzzzzz. Oh, what? I'm sorry. I must have drifted off there. It was a long day of reality, back there in the real world I live in. Silly me. My apologies.

5. At the end, it is important that there is a penitential note to the party. The adults should take part fully too, either in saints' garb or by being the "Damned Departed" for a touch of scare. A room for "Hell" can be created. A sign "Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here" can be put above the door. A sheet can cover the doorway and a silhouette of Satan can stand with a light behind it, creating a life size demon. Eerie music or noises can be played in the background. This reminds the children of the ever present reality of Hell.

Ooooooookay, then. I think we're about done here. There's more, including a "Know Your Saints" quiz (which they don't give you the friggin' answers to), sample invitations (which neglect to warn parents that their children will hate them if forced to go to this "party"), and a few recipes for food dishes that sound bland (one of them is colcannon. Apparently, Halloween is an Irish holiday).

Have fun with Halloween tomorrow. If all goes right, I should have a column full of pictures of me in past Halloween costumes, as well as my costume for this year (which I have yet to purchase or even think about). See you then.

P.S. Want to e-mail the person who designed the plans for that party? Her name's Jennifer Gregory Miller. Click here.