Paul en Vogue

It's Halloween today, and in my book, it should be a paid holiday. Therefore, I'll be taking today off, and filling today's column with embarrassing and ridiculous photos of me in various Halloween costumes over the years. But don't think of it as me being lazy (especially since it took so long to get the pictures into the computer and actually make them look good), think of it as a glamorous fashion show. One in which I make fun of myself, and provide a lifetime of ammunition for those who wish to embarrass me in the future.

So let's start back when I was a wee lad.

Just look at me. The innocent face, the joyful expression, the multiple grams of cocaine swirling through my little brain. Yes, that's right. I was on blow in this picture. Why else would I wear a Grover (of "Sesame Street" fame) superhero costume? I was confident. Confident enough where I felt like a hero. Confident enough where I thought I could fly. And fly I did . . . candy is so much sweeter when you're soaring on diamonds . . .

Oh! Wow, I'm sorry. I lost myself there. How about we move on to the next picture.

In later years, I played deeper and deeper into the hands of the corporate regime, wearing costumes of the little furry rat-like creature from the film "Gremlins," Snoopy from the comic strip "Peanuts," and the thing with the honky nose from "Sesame Street."

A number of years later, my parents became cheapskates and dressed me up as some sort of firefighting hobo. My obvious disapproval can easily be seen in the photo, as I stick out my tongue at my parents. On another note, please notice the stylish and fashionable couch in the background. Unfortunately, that couch now rests in my parents' basement, and has become infested with rats of some kind. At least I think it has. We found poop under one of the cushions.

The corporate greed I mentioned earlier had taken over by the time the above picture was taken. There I am, gloating with all my candy out in front of me. I can make out a package of M&M's, but the rest is hard to tell. Is that a Baby Ruth in the top left corner of the pile? We may never know, reader. We may never know.

As you may have noticed, the couch is different this time. Much less daring, if you ask me. But at least the "Kermit-the-Frog-vomit" color of carpeting is still there. As for my clothing, let's just all hope and pray that it was part of my costume.

We're jumping quite a far ways ahead with this picture, mainly because the years in between were filled with booze and egging houses. Pictures weren't taken, for fear that the film would later be used as evidence. The picture is one of many taken for the joke issue of my college newspaper. Notice the fine hat, lent to me by my friend Jake Garnatz. Granted, this isn't really a Halloween picture, but it's worth showing just for the hat, which was rumored to have been worn once by Burt Reynolds. Of couse, seeing how I was the one who started the rumor, you probably shouldn't get too excited about it.

What's this? An afro? This is another non-Halloween picture. It was taken at the "Pimp & Ho" party at my house during college. Men dressed like pimps, women dressed like ho's, a DJ was spinning records on a turntable in the kitchen and it seemed like a promising evening. There are a few people who read this column who were at that party, and I'm pretty sure they'll write in today and harass me about how the party was busted in about 45 minutes. Ungrateful jerks.

This last costume picture is a Halloween costume. It's a dork costume I wore to some lame Halloween dance at my college. The note duct-taped to my shirt is reminding me to come home on bus number seven. I won second prize for my effort. Have you ever won second prize in a Halloween costume contest, reader? No? You haven't? Then shut up already.

Same costume, but this time I'm pretending to dance. I'm also standing next to a man wearing his shirt in an inappropriate manner. In case you're wondering, that's part of my shirt sticking out of the zipper of my pants. It was part of the costume.

Do you have utterly idiotic Halloween party pictures of yourself, reader? Send them to me, and I'll post them in a later column. The "drunk, hanging and puking over the toilet" kind of Halloween pictures are the best, so you should send those first.

Have fun today, reader. And remember: if they're smaller than you, it's a natural predatory thing for you to push them on the ground and steal their candy.