E-mails, Comments, Clarifications and Random Complaints From Readers

Are you eating candy, reader? Rock on. So am I. The only difference between you and I is that I'm eating leftover candy. I live in an apartment with very few children, so I had some left, even though I only bought one bag. You, on the other hand, either stole the candy from your child's stash, or beat up some other parent's child and took their candy.

For shame, reader.

But I don't hold a grudge, so I'll continue to answer your letters. Let's start with our first one. It's from Barrett of Portland, OR. Barrett found the article I did about the Hoveround (Column 89, July 16, "I Love my Hoveround").

That ruled hard. Funniest thing I've read in a while, big props to you . . . old people are funny and so are cripples. Old people + cripples = pure comic gold.

Wow. I'll repeat that, in case you missed it. "Old people are funny and so are cripples." Well Barrett, if cripples are such pure comic gold, how come none of them have their own variety show? Flipp Wilson even had a variety show, and he wasn't crippled. I mean, sure, Sonny and Cher were crippled, but not physically.

Let's move on to our next letter. PJ from Albuquerque, NM doesn't like me very much. In fact, I'm pretty sure he hates me. But this is a good thing, because there's nothing I like better than making fun of people who hate me.

Either way, PJ had issues with the column I wrote about John Rosemond (Column 97, July 26, "Let's Pretend I'm Parenting Columnist John Rosemond"). Here's what he had to say.

Your satire is worthy of a furtively xeroxed, juvenile mid-school level leaflet produced by pimply faced, callow and supercilious, nerdy teen agers amid a chorus of giggles. Why are you butter minded, hysterical liberals so terrified by a man who stands up for the ancient principle of individual responsibility? Do you have kids of your own? Do you work with kids? I am a teacher and father. Rosemond's attitudes work. Or do you prefer the high teenage suicide rates, low scholastic achievement, and negativism so prevalent among modern children? Grow up!

(Hangs two lanterns in the tower) The conservatives are coming! The conservatives are coming! And they're reading anything that says "John Rosemond" on it!

Seriously, I hope there's high schoolers reading this column, because now you can see exactly what you teachers think of you, and how they describe you and make fun of you to other people. Hey PJ, how do you expect to teach anything to kids or gain their respect when you refer to them all as being immature, pimply and stupid?

To get to your argument, PJ, I was satirizing Rosemond's tendency to tell parents to be strict, without reminding them to make sure their kids know that they're loved. Rosemond has this idea that frightening your children into behaving is the key to everything. While I agree that such a tactic will make a kid obedient, it will also make them miserable and depressed if it isn't followed up by some caring gesture. Rosemond never tells parents about that second part, which is why his advice is causing more harm than good.

Also, I made reference in that column to Rosemond's obvious bias against independent women who work after having children. Do you, PJ, also think that every woman who has kids should be forced to sit at home? Rosemond has repeatedly criticized those lousy "women" who drop their kids off at daycare, when he should be criticizing those lousy "parents." Perhaps you conservatives should get out of your 1950s fantasy worlds.

Okay, I'll stop complaining now. Let's end this column with a crazy letter. Gades wrote in a letter, talking about a subject that I can't quite figure out. I think Gades was slightly intoxicated while writing this letter, which makes it my favorite letter this week.

Your out of your league little man! There is no way in all of Hell that you have any chance with this peticular amazon! The only way it be possible if you were to bend down and sodomize your own ass! Thats as near as your gonna get.

So what you're saying is that having sex with you would be as much fun as sodomizing myself? Are you married to Rip Taylor, by any chance? If you're not, you should be. Anyway, before this column's over, I'd like to add one suggestion to potential Daily Ramblings letter writers:

LEARN TO USE APOSTROPHES, YOU BASTARDS!

Okay, I'm so done now. Remember to celebrate national "Hot Carl" night tonight.