Screw This, I'm Going Back to College

Hey, remember that Rodney Dangerfield movie, "Back to School"? No? Oh, come on. I'm sure you've seen it. When I was home sick from school as a kid, it was always on HBO. Later, when I was in college, it was always on Comedy Central. It was a horrible movie, but you can't not watch it, because there's never anything else on.

But to get back on track, I'm sick of this "real world", and not the TV show. Well, I'm tired of the TV show version too, but what I'm referring to is real life. What kind of a cruel trick is it to make college such a laid-back affair–where you make your own schedule, have tons of people your age all around you, and have tons of stuff to do–only to dump you into the real world, where you work a strict schedule every day, live in a place where 85% of the people are out of your age range, and have nothing really interesting to do?

Sure, I'm making better money. But has it changed anything? Let's look at the facts:

In college, I was in debt, ate only Ramen noodles, paid full price for beer and had a decent chance of getting some. In the real world, I'm still in debt, I still eat Ramen noodles, and I still pay full price for beer, but now I have less of a chance of getting some. What gives?

The last panel of the chart is the most important, and the one that is most humiliating: in college I lived in the same dorms as various hot ladies. In the real world, I live next door to an old woman who smells like cat pee. It's time to go back to college, people. It's time indeed.

College is more expensive, but I have a plan. I'm not actually going to pay to attend college. I'm only going to pretend to be a student. This won't be easy, but it will occupy an enormous amount of time that I would have otherwise spent slouching in my chair and complaining. So you see, I'm no longer a complainer. Now I'm a solutioner, and solutioners are the most solutionest people around, which makes them solutioneers that are highly solutionetic in their solutionic-based profession.

I'm retarded.

But on with the plan. Step one is to find a suitable college. Which college does Natalie Portman go to?

Harvard? Crap! Too far away. My apartment lease isn't up until April. By then school will be almost over . . . um, this part of the plan is hard. I think I'm just going to skip it.

So let's recap: I'll go to (insert large generic college here) and sneak into classes, where I will sit and doodle in my notebook, just like I did throughout "real" college. There's something incredibly pleasant about sitting in a large lecture class and doodling in your notebook. I'm not sure what it is, but it always gave me a very relaxed, secure feeling. Sometimes it would make me so happy that I would giggle, which led some students in my classes to believe that I was addicted to pain killers.

But that's not true. The only pain killers I'm addicted to are Vicodin, OxyCotin, Perodan, Percocet, Ultram, Stadol, Codeine, Valium, Zanex, Hydrocodone, Lortab, Norco, Tylenol, Tylenol PM, Tylenol Cold, Tylenol Flu, Tylenol Sinus, Tylenol Allergy Sinus, Tylenol Arthritis, Tylenol Horse Tranquilizers, and the Children's Tylenol that I sprinkle on my cereal each morning. But that's it.

Anyway, besides the tough job of choosing a college, I'll also have to find a way to pay rent without actually working. Let's check and see how much money my faithful readers have donated through my Amazon.com paybox.

Crap! This money stuff sucks. I'm going to skip this part, too.

Sooooo, I'll go to (insert college that would normally reject Paul's application) and live the full college life, which will be paid for by (insert unlikely prosperous event). To add to that, my friends will be (insert imaginary and non-existent friends) and I will get regular nookie from (insert name of blindfolded farm animal).

Cripes! This isn't a plan, it's a mad lib. Man, this sucks. Making up a plan is even more work than living in the real world. But what can I do now, stuck in the real world forever without having anything that I really care about? Where can I turn?

Ah yes, I know! Anarchy! When all else fails, anarchy will always prove satisfying. Screw it all, I'm voting Jim Young for Wisconsin governor on Tuesday. I hope he wins too, so I can be there when he turns the state capital into a homeless shelter and raises SUV taxes a crapload. It may not be anarchy, but it's the closest thing we've got, people. Long live Jim Young!