New Toys for the 'Jesus Christ'mas Season

First Vice President: It's snowing.

Second Vice President: It's snowing!

Third President: IT'S SNOWING! OUT WITH THE MERCHANDISE!

Announcer: Presenting the new toy line for Jesus Christmas 2002!

George Annoying: We've got a great new line of toys here, Bob! I'm so excited, I feel like a little boy who's just learned to catch a fart in his cupped hands and throw it in someone else's face!

Bob Uninterested: Uh-huh. So what toys do we have?

George Annoying: Well, first up is our Tom Brokaw doll, Bob.

Bob Uninterested: What does it do?

George Annoying: Well Bob, in elections it misleads audiences by presenting mere speculation as though it were actual fact, even before half the votes are in. It's just like the real Tom Brokaw! Plus, it wets itself!

Bob Uninterested: Which is also just like the real Tom Brokaw. Does it do anything else, George?

George Annoying: Not on its own. But if you pair it with the Tim Russert "Meet the Press" doll, it does become even dumber.

Bob Uninterested: I didn't think that was possible.

George Annoying: Oh, it's possible. The amazing thing is, no matter how hard engineers worked on the dolls, they still couldn't make it dumber than the real Brokaw.

Bob Uninterested: Simply stunning. What about the Bill Maher political talk show host doll?

George Annoying: The Bill Maher doll, while incredibly popular, was removed from the product line for some reason. But to get away from dolls, we do have some other toys that are new this year. One of the most popular is the new video game modeled after the monster truck, "Ass Raper." It's called, "Ass Raper for hire!"

Bob Uninterested: I'm sure parents all over the country will be giving their kids an Ass Raper. Anything else?

George Annoying: Indeedy-doo, Bob! This year they've finally come out with the children's cocaine kit. Much like model cars, the cocaine is labeled by year, so kids can tell what the quality would be.

Bob Uninterested: The kit I see there is from 1978. So that would mean lesser quality, but more of a chance of sleeping with a woman infected with the HIV virus?

George Annoying: Definitely. You certainly are an experienced cokehead, Bob.

Bob Uninterested: You bet I am. In fact, I even snorted an "L" off your mother's tit.

George Annoying: Hey!

Bob Uninterested: You like that? How about I give you some more? Your father sells diapers at Kmart.

George Annoying: Oh yeah? Well . . . see if I tell you things about my family in confidence anymore.

Bob Uninterested: Your bad.

George Annoying: Yeah, sucks for me. Say, why does Paul always write these outrageous columns, and then finish each one by lazily slapping on a poorly written and potentially violent ending?

Bob Uninterested: I don't know. I think it's because he's busy on Tuesdays. I'm not sure what he's busy with, but God knows it couldn't be women or an overabundance of friends.

George Annoying: That's for sure! Ha ha ha ha!

Bob Uninterested: Ha ha ha ha! George and Bob (together): Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!