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Vaudeville Sucks! ...................Paul Ryan
Phil: Why no, Paul. I certainly wouldn't. Paul: Phil, has your mother ever been on a scale? Phil: Why no, Paul. I don't believe she has. Paul: Then how would she know she's not fat, Phil? Phil: Because she has leukemia, and is going to die soon! Paul: Oh, you clever devil! Phil: Ta-da! Paul: Ta-da!
Paul: Pardon me, Phil, but do you know any good recipes? Phil: I certainly do, Paul. Paul: Really? How many do you know? Phil: At least six, Paul. Paul: My goodness! How did you learn so many? Phil: From one of the morally unscrupulous girls in the burlesque show! Paul: Oh! Villainous! You saucy trickster, you! Learning recipes from someone other than your kin! Phil: I am most certainly a foul man! Phil: Your wife must be in tears! Phil: Ta-da! Paul: Ta-da!
Paul: Phil, have you eaten a pie today? Phil: Why no, I don't believe I have, Paul. Why do you ask? Paul: Well Phil, there's a half-eaten pie on the table. Phil: You don't say? Paul: Yes, there is. Who do you suppose ate it? Phil: I was the one who ate it, Paul. Paul: But you just said you didn't! Phil: You asked if I ate a pie today. I didn't; I only ate part of a pie! Paul: Oh, you rascal! Phil: Ta-da! Paul: Ta-da!
Paul: Phil, where would I go to find a proper hat? Phil: What kind of hat would you like, Paul? Paul: I don't know, Phil. What kind of hat is your favorite? Phil: I enjoy pork-pie hats. Paul: Pork-pie hats? Why would anyone ever want to wear a pork-pie hat, Phil? Phil: Because then it would be an excuse for the hunger that causes one to eat the pie we talked about before! Paul: Oh! Delicious play on words! You scoundrel! Phil: Ta-da! Paul: Ta-da!
Paul: Excuse me Phil, but do you know where my spectacles are? Phil: Yes, I have seen them. Paul: Where did you see them, Phil? Phil: I saw your spectacles swimming in the toilet. Paul: The toilet? My word! What were they doing there? Phil: They figured swimming in the toilet was only natural, since your head is always up your buttocks! Paul: My face is the brightest shade of red from embarrassment! Phil: I should say it is! Paul: You filthy rogue! Phil: Ta-da!
Paul: Ta-da!
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Paul: Pardon me, Phil, would you say that your mother is fat?
