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E-mails, Comments, Clarifications and Random Complaints From Readers ...................Paul Ryan
So let's start off with the non-weird one. It's from Kimmy in Clintonville, Wis. As the only non-idiotic person to e-mail me in the last two weeks, Kimmy will receive top billing. She's writing about the last letters column, which . . . almost . . . kinda counts as a letter. Commenting on your column you wrote on Nov. 1st, alot of high school kids DO read your columns. 3/4 of CHS reads your site every week...I think it has something to do with all the stickers my friends and I passed around with uncle phil and everything! You should get a new sticker design...we'll pass more out and get more people to go to your site. Just remember, the more people going to paul's site = more women for paul and more money...doesn't that make you happy? Thought so. Really? CHS has six students? Shocking. It must suck trying to get dates, though. Is that why people end up dating their own kin? Sadly though, from what I've found in the last few months, more people coming to this site brings no additional women or money at all. But it does bring more dim-witted letters from braindead retards, like our Canadian friend, Ben. You can call him Gentle Ben, if you wish. Canadians are kind of like bears, aren't they? Well, maybe they're just hairy and enjoy pooping in the woods. Same thing. Ben read the Anti-Canada feature in the archives section, and decided to put in his two cents. Although I'm Canadian and don't neccesarily share your opinion on all aspects of my country, it's strange you didn't bring to light how my government has made Canada into a haven for ragheads and rice-eating Chinese bastards. All they do is mooch and complain about how they've been mistreated, and usually not even in English. They expect us to speak their goddamn crazy 8-million syllables a second language, and if we don't they call us bigots, again, not neccesarily in English. They call you a bigot? Really? Hmmm. Do you call them, "rice-eating Chinese bastards" to their face? Because that might have something to do with it. I also find it strange how you made no mention of the large French population in Canada. Perhaps you're okay with them because they're . . . oh, how do I say this . . . honkeys. You like honkeys, don't you? I'm sorry, reader. I didn't mean to offend you by saying, "honkeys". I was just trying to point out to Ben that he's a racist bastard. Forgive me. Want to hear more from Ben? Of course you do! To close, let me spell a few words the proper English way. Colour, Honour, Theatre, Center (its the damn frogs who spell it Centre, you're right on that one, but you Yanks can't spell the other words right). Why would you spell theater "re" and center "er"? What a stupid honkey! Our next letter comes from Jay in Alabama, who makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. But hey, what would you expect? He's from Alabama. hey paul hows it going. i just saw your article on the dunk tank. i know exactly what you mean man. i recently had to sit over a dunk tank for a promo for a wrestling show i am doing (i do entertainmetn but dont wrestle). i could even send you the photos if you want. by the way, do you know who the coolest wrestling feds in your area is? Mmm-hmm. A man involved with "wrestling entertainment" who also has fine grammar skills. I should seriously start a dating service for the three or four ladies who visit this site, because every man who comes here is a winner. Jay, how would I possibly know anything about wrestling federations in Wisconsin, let alone which ones are the coolest? Just because I'm living in hicksville doesn't mean I wear a bandanna and men in tights play with each other on basic cable. In fact, I don't even have cable. I did reply to Jay, asking him for the pictures, though. That way I can make fun of him later, too. Our last letter today is the worst. It's from Kirstie, someone who obviously doesn't speak much English. Either that, or it's Kirstie Alley from the television show, "Cheers", and she's off the wagon again. linzi twigg from germiston is a pure dafty she sits and laughs like a hyena. Jesus. Can we just end the column here? It's Friday, isn't it? Can't we just end it now, without me having to respond to that? Okay, let's do it. Go get your drinkin' on tonight, people. Here's a pleasant and easy drink recipe, straight from the delightful comic strip at Achewood.com:
1 part vanilla vodka
Tastes like an orange creamsicle. Got it? Good. Send in your own special drinks by the e-mail link below, reader. I'll post one each Friday, so others can get their drinkin' on.
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It's been two weeks, and like clockwork, it's time for another letters column. Today is a special one, though, because every letter I've received in the last two weeks, except for one, is from weirdos and jibberish-speaking freaks.
