Look at How Artistic my Photographs are!

Look at me. I'm a photographer. And I'm not just any photographer. I'm a college-educated photographer.

Look at this picture I took. It only shows half my face. You may think that's weird or crazy, but it's not. It's artistic. Sure, taking a picture of only half my face is both idiotic and completely ignorant of the reason why photos of people are taken, but hey, it's trendy. Why would I want to take part in something that wasn't trendy?

Sure, every "fresh-out-of-college" photographer on earth takes a picture of half their face, but that doesn't mean I'm a follower. It just means I ride the coattails of other artistic people, and pass off their style as my own. I'm like Frank Sinatra, if he took a picture of half his face.

But wait, there's more to my creative photography than just that one picture. Look at this new one I took:

It's a picture of the bottom part of my face. Man, I am soooo cool. I know I mentioned it before, but I'm like Frank Sinatra, if he took a picture of half his face, and then took another picture of another part of half his face.

Granted, I'm not sure what the point of this photo is, or why anyone would want to see a picture of my mouth and shoulders, but I don't do this to please the masses. I don't do this to sell my photographs and get rich (though prints of these photographs are for sale at my website), I'm doing it so I can walk around town feeling artistic, blathering on and on to everyone about how artistic I am.

Sometimes I won't even tell people I'm artistic. I'll just act all deep and philosophical when I'm talking to people, so they'll walk away thinking, "Wow, he's artistic! So artistic that he doesn't even need to say out loud that he's artistic! The look of anger and disapproval that's permanently plastered on his face tells all!"

Hey, guess what? You won't believe this, but I have another idea. Sometimes I'm just so artistic that I feel guilty, because my brilliance probably makes other people feel so worthless. Anyway, here's the idea: I'll make the pictures even more artistic by making them black and white.

But I can't take credit for that idea, either. I learned that little trick in college. Photography professors love black and white photography. It makes them orgasm.

..

Oh, look at how artistic those are! It's like I'm some guy from the 1930s; some guy taking pictures of half his face.

Well, I'll leave you to study my art, so you can discuss with your friends how hip and talented I am. I'd love to stay and listen to you gloat about me, but I have to go to someplace trendy, and lecture random strangers about how crappy their cameras are, and how they're ruining the world of art by taking pictures. Then I will tell them how great I am, and that they can buy prints of good photographs at my website. See ya!