Holiday(s) Gift List(s), 2002

Hello reader. I know what you're thinking. You want to know what winter holidays I celebrate, so you can buy me a present. Well, I celebrate all of them, and I'll be expecting separate gifts for each one. And if you don't buy me anything, I'll throw a fit like a small child in a doctor's office.

First up is my "Jesus Christ-mas!" list. This list isn't of much use to you, reader. This is mainly for members of my family. I'm too poor to mail them my "Holy Jesus Christ-mas!" list, and too lazy to dictate it over the phone. Dictating is also bad because it forces me to answer asinine questions like, "just what the hell is that" and "how the hell do you spell it".

So this "Holy Jesus Christ-mas!" list is something you can skim over, reader.

Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris (book)

Stupid White Men by Michael Moore (book)

Journals by Kurt Cobain (hideously overpriced book)

Run Lola Run (DVD)

The Apartment (Old DVD, featuring the greatest actor of all time, Jack Lemmon)

The Producers (DVD)

From Russia With Love (DVD)

David Sedaris; "The David Sedaris Box Set [Unabridged]" (CD box set)

Sum 41; "Does This Look Infected?" (CD)

Ti Paint Kit (Available only at www.tipaint.com)

"What We Need More of is Science" hooded pullover; forest green color, large size (Available only at www.achewood.com. Order before 12/3 to ensure X-mas arrival)

Some sort of daily calendar from The Onion

Digital Media Remote (Available at Apple Store)

Laptop stand (Available at Apple Store)

Viavoice Diction Only (Macintosh software, available at Apple Store)

Black and White (Macintosh game, available at Apple Store)

You may be saying to yourself, "That's a lot of weird crap, Paul. Do you think your parents will actually buy you all that weird crap?" Well, the answer is no. In fact, I know they won't buy me all this stuff, because even if they won the lottery tomorrow, I doubt they'd be able to find all of it. I'm willing to bet they're already confused.

Paul's dad: Honey, will you go on the Internet and buy these things for Paul?

Paul's mom: The Internet? Isn't that where people go to look at porn?

Paul's dad: Yes, but apparently you can also buy hooded pullover sweatshirts there.

Paul's mom: Oh, okay. So how do I get on this Internet thing? Can I use the FM dial on the stereo?

Paul's dad: I don't think so.

Paul's mom: What if I put the typewriter really close to the TV? Would that get me on the Internet?

Paul's dad: It's worth a shot.

After my parents read the above skit, I probably won't get anything but a punch in the mouth. Anyway, here's the list for you, reader: The "Chanukah/Kwanza: Together at Last" list. This is the list of things my faithful readers can get for me, in honor of these wonderful non-corporate holidays.

A pony

Buy something in the goddamn store, for cryin' out loud

A "He-Man/Masters of the Universe" Castle Grayskull playset

Make a donation to my paybox (Located at the bottom of this page)

Write a guest column, so I take a dang break already

A free hotel stay in Chicago, with free cover charges at all bars and nightclubs

Larisa Oleynik

A monkey with tattoos and a James Dean "Rebel Without A Cause" attitude

George Will to respond to my letters

Dear Abby to print my letters, profanity included

A kazoo

Print it out, save it, and get shopping, reader. I'm counting on you. We're all counting on you. America is calling, and it's your turn to help out.