I've Got Enough Girl Scout Cookies to Choke A Fat Kid

My Girl Scout cookies arrived today, and I . . . feel hideous. But that's what happens when you eat too many cookies. Especially when every near-microscopic cookie has three grams of sugar in it. Sick.

As the title of this column suggests, I bought enough boxes of Girl Scout cookies to make a fat kid die a horrendous mint cookie death. But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about today. I'm here to discuss the box the cookies came in.

At your right is one of the boxes. While you're looking at the picture, I'd like to remind you that those are safety helmets they're wearing, not special kid helmets. The only kid in the picture who I suspect might be "special" is the one hanging on the ladder.

Maybe it's just the goggles. I dunno.

Anyway, I want you to focus on the kid in the light blue shirt in front. The kid on the right. There's one thing I'll tell you: that is not a girl. I'm positive it's not. But what is he doing in the Girl Scouts picture? And why would he want to wear a Girl Scouts shirt? Is he some sort of roving pervert who brought his own helmet? Will anyone in the picture end up doing Devo's "Safety Dance" later? Are they wearing the helmets because they're going to be beaten unmercifully later on? Aren't people worried that since he's not a registered Girl Scout, he might not return the safety helmet?

And why do the stupid safety helmet kids get to be on the thin mints box? Shouldn't they be on one of the crappier variety of boxes that no one buys, like the shortbread cookies box?

Fine, you still think I'm crazy? Well then, look at this picture. It's there, on your right. You can't even tell me that's a female. It's a dude. Not only that, but it's a dude who looks like JJ from "Good Times".

Seriously, I can't think of anything creepier than girls who look like JJ from "Good Times". Except maybe girls who look like Cher.

Okay, enough with the pictures. It's a pain uploading and resizing all these things. Cher jokes aren't worth that much effort.

But really, if you look like JJ from "Good Times", you shouldn't even be trying to pass yourself off as a girl. Living in Wisconsin, I've seen some of the ugliest women the world has to offer, and none of them are hideous enough to look like JJ from "Good Times".

But I guess it's fine if little dudes want to hang out with safety helmet girls who have absolutely no need for safety. Then again, maybe that's the type of girl those two little dudes are after. You have to shoot for what you can get, and if all you can get is a girl who wears a safety helmet 24 hours a day, then that's just fine.

Okay, it isn't, but at least they're not dating Cher.