A Peace Offering to Vegetarians Before Thanksgiving

Hello vegetarians. I know Thursday is going to be a tough day for you, and I'm here to tell you that while every other place in the country will be filled with the sights, smells and discussions of the killing of innocent turkeys, this website will not be one of them.

You see, that's why this website is so different. I don't want to offend you with brash images of Thanksgiving feasts that involve juicy, oven-roasted turkeys. I promise that you will not find a single image of a turkey dinner on this website.

Nope. Not a single one. You can surf this website freely, without fear of seeing pictures with succulent, golden-brown turkey, smothered in gravy, with steam rising from the mouth-watering slabs of tender white meat.

That's a guarantee, people. When Paul Ryan makes a guarantee, you can be sure he's going to keep it. I won't be promoting turkey eating at all this year, because frankly, I think it's horrible.

What would make a person do such a thing? To take someone who despises the harming of turkeys, and make them even more upset? Only a complete jerk would do something as cold and heartless as that. Everyone should learn to be as considerate of others as I am.

And crude jokes made at the expense of vegetarians– like a supposedly "humorous" picture of a cartoon turkey getting it's head chopped off, or something equally immature– are also out of the question. I've made a lot of different jokes in my columns, but there are certain lines that just won't be crossed.

I won't promote any sort of harm to turkeys this year, especially the traditional Thanksgiving dinner. There are so many different things you could eat for Thanksgiving besides turkey. There's tofu, or wheat meat, or a variety of other things that don't require you to eat an animal.

I'm glad I wrote this column. You vegetarians must be overjoyed to see what I've presented here. I'm making sure to clean out the inbox for my e-mail tonight, because I'm almost positive it will be filled with lots of messages from happy vegetarians in the morning!

I mean, let's face it, people. This is the best column I've ever written. For the first time in my life, I've written a column that doesn't offend anyone. I finally feel like a helpful and generous human being. It's so nice to finally spend time being kind, gentle, and considerate of the feelings of others.

So say goodbye to crude Paul, reader. Clear a place at the vegan table for caring Paul, the best Paul of all. You'll be glad you did.