My Mom Has an N'SYNC Album

I'm so ashamed. I'm so disgusted. While home for Thanksgiving, I discovered that my mom has an N'SYNC CD. And worst of all, she stores it in my old bedroom.

My parents have kept my bedroom basically the same since I last lived there, but its transformation into a storage center is starting. One of the things my mom keeps in my room is her CDs, which is how I found the atrocity that is the N'SYNC album.

I feel like the conservative 1970s parent who just found a KISS record hidden in their Robert Goulet album sleeve. Except my mom's N'SYNC CD was just sitting there in plain view, as if she were proud of such a thing.

How dare she keep such a hideous item in my old room, which is really no longer my room, which never really was my room because I don't own the house? The family's honor is at stake here. If the neighbors find out about my mom's preference for sissy music, rumors will abound and we will be shunned throughout the neighborhood. They'll probably call us "The N'SYNC Family" behind our backs, and perform crude choreographed dance mockeries when we're not looking.

You'd think my father would watch for this sort of thing. If someone deposited a dead hooker on our front lawn, I'm sure he would want to get rid of it before anyone saw. Why wouldn't he do the same with an N'SYNC CD?

I can only imagine how far this horrible trend could go. Justin Timberlake posters, iron-on Lance patches, instant Joey goatees, N'SYNC light-up yo-yo's.

I WILL NOT HAVE BOY BAND LIGHT-UP YO-YO'S SUCKING THE MARROW FROM MY PARENTS' LIVES! BE GONE, GLOWING AND DIFFICULT-TO-MASTER YO-YO OF POP MUSIC INFESTATION!

Oh, wait a second. They have them in four colors? Blue and green? Those are two of my favorite colors. You know, these yo-yo's are actually kinda cute. I should get a green one. What? You don't get to pick which color you want? "Four assorted colors ship randomly"? To hell with that!

THEE BE CRAPETH, INFERNAL YO-YO'S OF THE LIGHT-LOAFERED DANCING ONES! BACK YE GO, CRAPTASTIC ITEMS OF MODERN STRING TWIRLING CONVENIENCE! BACK I SAY!

I'm writing this column partly to voice my own frustrations with my mom for spending money on CDs by musical men with bad facial hair, but I'm also writing this for your own protection, reader. Your parents could also stumble upon N'SYNC someday, and make the same ill-fated decision to purchase one of their CDs. Such things can be stopped, but only if we're there to remind our parents that it's wrong.

Sure, we all try to watch our parents. We all try to make sure they're going down the right path in life and making safe choices. But in today's society, with school and work and everything else that takes up our time, it's getting hard to keep up with what our parents are doing. With our busy lives, we end up forgetting that it's our duty to watch our parents. Next thing you know, they're involved in things that shock and horrify us. Instead of doing what normal people do, like covering their arms with tattoos and piercing their nipples, our parents are out buying uninspired pop music.

Sadly, this corruption comes easily. Local radio stations are accessible to everyone, even your parents, and are filled with awful pop music. Music stores, believe it or not, have such albums displayed in plain view and with no warning stickers. In fact, they even advertise such inappropriate music on television.

It's one of the few flaws of freedom: our parents, precious gems that they are, will sometimes be exposed to inappropriate music. But if anything is going to change, we can't just sit around. We need to make change happen on our own. It's time to take a stand. Write letters to the major record companies, and tell them not to make anymore pop music that involves girly-voiced men and choreographed dancing. Call your local radio station, and tell them you're sick of hearing garbage that sends your impressionable parents down the wrong path.

But most of all, take the time to talk to your parents. Ask them what they're interested in. Find out who they're hanging out with. Teach them right from wrong. With a little effort from people like us, our parents can be safe from bad pop music, and lead normal and productive lives.