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E-mails, Comments, Clarifications and Random Complaints From Readers ...................Paul Ryan
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Sorry to get you going like that. We do have a lovely letters column for you today, though. Come hither, and see the letters from bitter, angry and odd people. Here's our first one, from Nikki in St. Paul, Minn. She read the column where I showed everyone two people, and had them guess which one was dead (Column 182, November 22, "Guess Who's Dead!"). While I thought most people would be upset because I was making fun of dead people, Nikki surprised me by getting upset because I called a dead girl hot. Preach it, Nikki: Dana Plato . . . hot. Yeah, so, Paul? Just how often do you actually see other females??? Hey, I didn't say she was hot on "Diff'rent Strokes", I just thought she looked hot in that old Noxema ad. I mean, sure, she's probably decomposed by now, but it's not like I'm digging up her corpse and taking her on a date or anything. I'll wait a few minutes while everyone makes jokes about how far I'd go for a date. Done now? Okay, good. Our next letter comes from Randy in Superior, Wis. A few weeks ago, I began posting drink recipes each Friday, in hopes that people would get plastered and write nasty things to me. I also requested that readers send in their own drink recipes, so I could post them for all to enjoy. Unfortunately, I don't think Randy really understood that alcohol must be involved in the suggested drinks. Read on: Here's a good drink for you.
Ingredients:
Directions: He didn't give his drink a name, but I think some call it milk. Doesn't that recipe sound delicious? Doesn't that just make you want to go pour yourself a tall glass of unpasteurized milk? Before you get all grossed out, ladies, remember this: at least it's the cow, and not you. That should bring me some angry letters. Have to set myself up for the next letters column, y'know. Lucky letter number three comes from Tom in Norman, Okla. Tom wrote to me about how much he enjoys the items in the Daily Ramblings Store. And of course I'm going to print his letter, because it allows me to shamelessly self-promote my merchandise. Here's Tom: hey, i like the store. i might have to get the teddy bear for my dawg to chew on. i think my whole family is getting dailyramblings.com merchandise for xmas whether they like it or not. Wouldn't that be fun? To buy people random merchandise for Christmas from some website they've never heard of? It's a good way to spread word about the site, and if they like my columns, it will be a gift that keeps on giving all year long. As an added bonus, if they still read and enjoy my column at this time next year, you won't even have to buy them anything. And besides, every item you buy from the store makes me a little less likely to off myself in some unusual fashion. Our last letter comes from Paula, who is apparently the sister of Kristy, the strange girl who wrote in for the last letters column. Like Kristy, Paula is a little hard to understand, but that just makes it more fun. hi im paula im the sister of how you send an email to asking what a nugget was. now can i ask you the questions what age are you? what are you like cause i think you sound nice tell me please!!!!!!!! thanksssssssssssssssss.
Look at me, reader. I am adored by international women. I am like David Hasselhoff, but with enough sense to refrain from singing in public. Yes, I am the Hasselhoff of the humor columnist world, ladies. You shall all bow to me, for I am your hairy-chested pretend lifeguard GOD. The end.
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It's Tuesday! It's TUESDAY! Do you know what happens on Tuesdays!?!
