Camo 24 XXXXX Taste Test

	Champion Name: Paul Ryan Size: 155 lbs. Alcoholic Content: None yet Profession: Humor Columnist
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	Challenger Name: Camo 24 XXXXX Size: 24 oz. Alcoholic Content: 8.5% Profession: Beer for alcoholics and homeless people

Ever since I moved into my apartment, I've done a lot of shopping at the gas station down the street. This is because I am lazy, and also because I am an impish dork who hates talking to people. If I go to a supermarket when I run out of toothpaste, I may very well meet people who would want to hang out with me, or women who would want to sleep with me.

Such events would likely be followed by a strong blizzard in the boiling pits of hell.

Therefore, I go to the gas station down the street. I may have to pay a few dollars more, but I certainly won't be meeting anyone. And that's what counts.

The gas station is filled with misfits, mainly. The brutal alcoholics all go there, as do the two homeless people who sleep nearby. The one thing they all buy at the gas station is Camo 24 XXXXX. It's 8.5% beer that comes in 24 oz. cans and costs a dollar. The boozers and homeless folk usually purchase two cans of it before heading off to shout jibberish and random profanity at parked cars.

As a reporter, I'm curious about things like this. So today I will be taste-testing the beer myself.

Let's examine the can first. It says "high gravity lager". My apartment is on the eighth floor, so this statement is indeed true. The fact that the beer was made specifically for my drinking altitude impresses me greatly. Granted, I haven't noticed the gravity in my apartment being any different than the gravity on the street below, but I'll give the can the benefit of the doubt. If I sit around believing the crap I see on CNN, I can sit around believing the crap I see on beer cans, too. Both sources are equally reliable.

Unfortunately, I was disappointed later on, when I found that recycling the can only brings ten cents. You'd think that with a can big enough to hold 24 ounces, you'd get a little more, but apparently not.

Another odd thing I found was that in small letters on the side of the Camo 24 XXXXX can, it informs people from Arkansas that the beer contains more than five percent alcohol. Pardon me for being naive, but if people from Arkansas can't read the gigantic "8.5% ALCOHOL" marking on the front of the can, how are they going to read the smaller print that's angled farthest away from the hole where the booze comes out?

The small print also reminds pregnant women that they should not drink Camo 24 XXXXX. I agree completely. Pregnant women should stick to light beer. If they can do that, their kids will just turn out really stupid, instead of full-on mentally challenged. I promise.

Smoking cigarettes during pregnancy will make your kids gay, though.

Just kidding.

Maybe.

I think it's about time we tasted this beer, don't you? I'm an expert at beer, so I'll be able to give a good recommendation for you, reader. Back at the house I lived in during college, we had a beer wall with over 200 different bottles. I've tasted the best and the worst.

Upon tasting the beer, I would say it's surprisingly drinkable. It's crappy, but not any worse than Old Milwaukee or Red Dog. It's like drinking a normal bottle of cheap suds, except it's 8.5%. That's like having a girlfriend who's hot and mute, but not a mime.

Okay, I think I drank a little too much of the Camo 24 XXXXX.

This is a beer-themed day, and I will not disappoint you, dear reader. You want a mixed drink recipe? I got one for ya. Or, rather, Jennifer from Minneapolis, Minn. has one for you. It's called "Pirate Tang":

One part Captain Morgan
Three parts Tang

The best part of this drink is Jennifer's description of it, so I'll let her say it in her own words:

With this one, its very important to keep it in a clear Tupperware mixing container so that when people at school or work ask what you're drinking, you can say "Tang" and they won't suspect what a pathetic drunk you are.

Brilliant. But what's this I'm hearing, reader? You want more? I give you a hilarious beer column and a recipe for "Pirate Tang", and you want more? Well, how about some excellent drinkin' tunes to go along with the special Friday stuff I've already given you. Here's a song by Rage Against the Machine, for your downloading pleasure. It'll get you in the mood for drinkin' and throwin' stuff.

Not into the hardcore rawk and/or roll? Then download this weird song I found. It sounds like some sort of German children's song, except you can drink to it. Try it out and tell me what you think.

You still want more? Okay, one more thing to complete your Friday drinking party pack. It's a short video of a man getting kicked down some stadium bleachers by a soccer hooligan. You can thank me later.

You know, it's a good thing I have 20 Gigs of bandwidth each month. Otherwise, I'd be screwed today. See you next week.