When Bill Cosby Attacks!

Paul: Hi, Cos! How's it . . . hey, we're wearing the same sweater, aren't we? Man, that's weird!

Bill Cosby: (Is obviously annoyed by Paul's presence, but pretends not to notice him)

Paul: I'll just pull up a chair and join you.

Bill Cosby: (Gives Paul menacing look)

Paul: Hey, is your sweater 100% cotton? Mine is. I got it in the clearance bin at Target. Did you get yours there too?

Bill Cosby: (Looks at own sweater, then scowls at Paul)

Paul: Well, let's just get down to business, shall we? I sat outside your house all last night and followed you here for a reason. I have a request. Actually, America has a request, Cos. We're having trouble finding Jell-o pudding pops. I mean, what happened to those things? They were the best! Look, I realize that Jell-o probably doesn't make them anymore, but I figured maybe you had some extra ones in a freezer somewhere. Y'know, like your own private stash? Because seriously, we need some pudding pops, Cos. Can I call you Cos?

Bill Cosby: (Staring at Paul with look of confusion)

Paul: You're so rad, Cos. I'll bet you put out the rad vibe everywhere you go. And you've got attitude, too. You know what I call that combination? Raditude. You have the most bad dude raditude I've ever seen. I made up that phrase, but you can use it if you want. Just make sure to tell people you got it from me.

Bill Cosby: (Still staring at Paul with look of confusion)

Paul: Hey, do you still talk to Theo? I liked Theo. Remember how he had that disease that makes you stupid? That learning disorder thing? That was hilarious. Man, I wish someone would give Theo his own show. You could call the show, "Gettin' Down With Theo", or something cool like that. You'd have to make him sassier, though. If you made him a total sassbox, the babes would go crazy. Babes totally dig guys who are sassy. You could call the show, "Sassin' with Theo".

Bill Cosby: (Curses at waiter, demanding Paul be removed from restaurant)

Paul: Wow, I didn't think you swore. That is so funny. I was totally holding back this whole time, because I didn't want to offend you. Fuckin' shit, man. I was totally not fucking aware that you like to fucking curse like a fucking sailor. Fuck, that's cool!

Bill Cosby: (Throws salad fork at Paul's eye)

Oh my God, that almost hit me! You are so random! We should go hit the bars, Cos. Seriously, there ain't any poontang alive that can resist two sexy men in colorful knit sweaters. It works even better than having a monster-sized wang. Say, did you ever get to see Phylicia Rashad naked?

Bill Cosby: (Overturns table. Tackles Paul and tries to smother him with placemat)

Paul: Ahhh! Somebody help! Cos is using his raditude for evil purposes!

Bill Cosby: (Takes off belt and whips Paul with it repeatedly)

Paul: Heeelp! Somebody heeeeeeeeelp! The guy who starred in "Ghost Dad" is trying to kill me!

Random Woman in Restaurant: My dear Lord! Bill Cosby has gone mad! He's re-enacting one of his childhood beating stories from those comedy albums he put out in the 1970s! Someone call the manager!

(Police rush in. Cosby straps on "IPSO FACTO" helmet, runs outside and jumps on ostrich, just like in the movie "Leonard Part Six". Rides away into sunset)

Police Officer: Are you okay, son?

Paul: Yes, but he tore my colorful knit sweater!

Police Officer: He tore your colorful knit sweater?!?

Paul: Yes, he did! He tore my colorful knit sweater!

Police Officer: I can't believe he tore your colorful knit sweater!

Paul: I know! I totally did not expect him to tear my colorful knit sweater!

Police Officer: Well, that son of a bitch will get his. Chase after him, men! And shoot to kill!