"Mickey's Safari in Letterland" Sucks Major Ass

original print date, December 12 2002

Computers can do anything. Mine, like all computers, can play Nintendo games. You just download an emulator, which is a computer program that simulates what a Nintendo does. Then you download the games. The game I will be reviewing today is a 1992 Nintendo game, "Mickey's Safari in Letterland".

This game has to be fun, because even if I'm terrible at it, I'll still get the joy of seeing Mickey Mouse die. If I'm lucky, Mickey might die in a variety of ways: burnt to death, eaten by alligators, shot by a hunter, raped by Goofy.

Let's see here. Gotta choose a difficulty level. I'll pick "super advanced", since I'm more interested in seeing Mickey die horrible, bloody deaths than I am in finishing the game. Now let's pick a location. I'll choose "Bahamas". I kind of doubt anyone goes on safaris in the Bahamas, but maybe they did in 1992.

Okay, first level. I'll just bypass this fruity little animated sequence where Goofy picks up Mickey in the safari shitmobile, and . . . okay, here we go. Um, apparently my weapon is a butterfly net. There's a letter of the alphabet. Got it. There's another one. Got it. I'm not seeing a lot of enemies here. If this game were my breakfast, it would be blowing out my ass right now.

A snake is up ahead, grinning like an idiot. I was unaware that snakes could smile. That's all right, though. The more asinine the character that kills Mickey, the happier I'll be. Okay, Mickey. Sorry old pal, but it's time for you to die.

What the hell? He tripped over the snake? Hey, Mickey isn't dying! There isn't even an energy bar or anything! What the hell is with this game? Is the intent to send Mickey stumbling around, tripping over everything like a drunken eight-year-old?

Okay, I collected the three letters, finishing the lame-ass Bahamas safari. It took me, like, 14 seconds. The letters spell out "ice". Since when is "ice" a super-advanced level word? Jesus, I can't believe this game. "Ice" should be a beginner level word. If you're going to call something super-advanced, the word better be "hyperglycemia" or "gubernatorial".

Man, do I ever hate Mickey Mouse. I hate all the original Disney characters. They all have that trademark idiotic blank stare. It's like they've all had lobotomies. If you want a good cartoon, you have to get some Looney Tunes. Bugs Bunny is both lovable and incredibly evil at the same time. While Mickey's out having some lame picnic with his sissy friends, Bugs is showing people who's boss.

I just beat the stupid game. In the process, I was reminded how to spell "hay", "bee", "net", and "can". I'm not sure how, but I think I've somehow become dumber from this learning experience. The game doesn't even have an ending. You just sit through this ungodly long instrumental version of the alphabet song, and then the words "The End" come up on the screen.

How the hell are kids supposed to read that, when even the super-advanced ones are supposed to find "bee" challenging? Sick, sadistic bastards.