Enduring My Current Webhost is Worse Than Waking Up to Find Your Breasts Glued to the Underside of a Geo Metro On A Cold Winter Morning

I'm switching webhosting services.

Okay, nobody understands computer talk, so I'll explain this using hip new lingo and lots of cursing.

I'm switching webhosting services, BITCH.

You see, I'm using this one webhoster right now, Webmasters.com, and they're severely lacking in funk. They are funktose intolerant. They are quite possibly so far behind in the ways of funkalation that using them for more than a few months could cause you to develop lyme disease.

Remember when this site crashed last week? Remember how it's crashed for short periods of time practically every other week? That's because the webhost was not funkular enough to withhold the grand funk railroad that is Daily Ramblings.

So I'm switching to a new hosting service, Myacen.com. They are rad. They are delicious. They are so sexy that someday you might find yourself thinking about them in the shower.

And then you will drop the soap.

They have received rave reviews from five different people I've talked to. And these aren't just regular people, these are FOXY BITCHES. Or not. But either way, this new webhost has mad WANG.

So what makes them so great? Well, right now I'm paying $180 a year to host this site. That is not awesome. In fact, that is so anti-awesome that it's draining the awesome straight out of my crooked spine.

My spine is crooked because it's awesome.

This new webhosting service only charges $80 a year. I get a little less space and a little less "bandwidth", though. Bandwidth is like little bits of raw pimpage that you use when you visit this site. Every time one of my bad-ass pages or pictures loads, a little more pimpage is used up. If too many pimps are perusing my jive pages and wicked decent pictures, I'll have used up all my bandwidth. But I had way too much bandwidth before, so it's no big deal.

But the new webhosting also gives me a lot more WANG-tastic features. I could make a subdomain, which means in addition to dailyramblings.com, I could make ultimatewang.dailyramblings.com, or yahoowascreatedbyfatpeople.dailyramblings.com, or even clownfartpee.dailyramblings.com.

I could also block all the spam mail I get from those SONS OF BITCHES who collect e-mail addresses off the Internet. I could also see a referral list of visitors, which is a totally dope list that tells me how people found the site. So if someone looked up the phrase "butt pirate extravaganza" on a search engine and found my site, I would know about it.

There are also three different types of chat rooms available from this new webhosting service. Such a thing would go well with the forum. It would be much like if you were to pour sexual chocolate all over the Poontang exhibit at the grand hall of poonany.

If you were to even attempt to look at such an exhibit, it would be so wonderful that you would forget all the Spanish you learned in high school.

There's plenty of other things I could tell you about, but that would be boring. This column is boring enough already. Anyway, I've got a lot to do to get this thing up and running by Sunday, so I'm signing off for today.

Would you like to drink my super fun time party liquid? Of course you would! It is Friday, isn't it? And not only that, but it's also Friday the 13th. We're running short on drink recipes, but Kate from Superior, Wis. has one to share. She and a friend discovered its wonders during an "I Hate Boys" night. They named it the "Toolkit".

1 part vodka
1 part orange juice
1 part Old Orchard apple passion mango juice

Simple, ain't it? If the big juice companies can make all those new combinations for the good of the people, we here at the Ramblings column can do the same with our booze recipes. And the best thing is with all the fruit juice in there, chances are you'll skip the hangover.

Or maybe you'll end up going to the bathroom for the next three days. I'm not sure. Tell me what you find out. See ya next week.