The Great Christmas Caper: Part Three

I received a letter in the mail today. It's a letter from Santa Claus.

For those of you who don't remember, parts one and two of the Great Christmas Caper involved me forging a fake letter to Santa through the Chamber of Commerce's "Letters to Santa" program. Basically, you send in your kid's letter with extra information about what your kid likes, and Santa sends a letter back to your child.

Does Santa know the letter I sent him was a trick? Does he know I wrote it? Surely, the man who knows when I'm sleeping and when I'm awake should know about this website, shouldn't he? I talked to him and sat on his lap a week ago or so. Did he know I was the infamous "Paul Jr.", the seven-year-old tap-dancing Bobby Brown fan he would be required to write back to? Did he know that I was posing as this fictional boy, waiting for an odd reaction from him in his return letter?

All shall be revealed when I open the letter he sent me.

Here we go. Let's open it and see how the old man reacts.

What is this crap? Santa just took all the information and spit it back at me! It's a form letter! And it's not even personally signed. Not only that, but he also didn't tell me if he's bringing me anything.

SANTA IS A FRAUD!

Also, Santa seems to have problems with general spelling and grammar skills. "Christmas is here, and you are probably can't wait anymore". Hey Santa, why do you talk like a foreigner? Do they not speak English in the North Pole? What do they speak instead? Spanish? Is it all, "Hola. Recepción a McDonald's. ¿Cómo puedo ayudarle?" up there, too? Cripes.

And learn how to put a period at the end of your sentences, jackass.

"For 7 years old you love playing with Barbie dolls." "I hear you have been a very, very good." Those sentences suck my big fat grammatical ass. Letters like this one will have a horrible influence on children. If Santa spells "a lot" as one word, who are the kids to argue? Plus, the kids who do have proper spelling skills will think Santa is a dolt.

You hear that, kids? Santa don't need no school learnin'. You shant be needin' it neither. Drop outs the day afters youse turnin' 16!

I've copy edited Santa's letter. You can take a look if you want.

But let's get to the real problem with this letter. Stanley the computer elf. Why is my local Chamber of Commerce creating an IT department for Santa? Since when does Santa even have a computer? Judging by the quality of his printed letter, I'd say he's probably still running Windows 95.

So if Santa can bring people computers for Christmas, why can't he upgrade his computer and go buy Microsoft Word, like everyone else?

I'll tell you why: because Santa doesn't need a computer to deliver toys. Santa is magical, and that's how he delivers everything in one night. He doesn't need technology, and his elves don't have specific job titles like "computer elf". They're just elves, except for Hermey, who's a renegade dentist elf.

So what have we learned from all this? I'm not sure. I've learned that pointless pranks for the amusement of my readers costs taxpayers 37 cents for postage, though.

Read it and weep!