My Super Cool Invention

Let's get one thing straight: if you don't like my super cool invention, you can go to hell. Then, after you're done going to hell, you can go to hell again. Plus, you can go to hell. And as an added bonus: you can go to hell. Along with all this, I'll throw in a free offer for you to go to hell again at an unspecified time in the future, at which point you can go to hell. Again.

Want to hear about my super cool invention now?

Because if you hear about my super cool invention and don't like it, but lie to me and say you do, you will be politely asked to go to hell. If you like it, but jokingly say you don't just to "get my goat", our chaperones will escort you outside, where you will have no choice but to go to hell. If you're not sure whether you like it, and you give me some vague answer like "It's different", we will publicly humiliate you by telling you to go to hell in front of everyone. If you like it, but make an odd face because you're about to sneeze, I will assume you don't like it, and our specially-trained "go to hell" expert will tell you to go to hell. If you don't like it, but later change your mind and decide that the idea has grown on you and you do like it, it will be too late because you will have already gone to hell.

So are you ready to hear about my super cool invention?

Let me once again remind you of the goings to hell that will be forced upon you if you do not like my super cool invention.

Okay, here it is. You can buy remote car starters, where you press a button and start your car from inside, right? Well, I live in an apartment, so a remote car starter wouldn't work for me, because my car is usually parked a few blocks away. Also, I'm on the eighth floor, so even if I parked my car right outside, it would still be too far away.

So what if somebody invented something that automatically starts your car at a certain time each morning, without you having to do anything? It could work with the clock in your car, and you could set it each night for a certain time the next morning.

Then, after 20 minutes or so, it would automatically shut off your car, just in case you slept in or set it wrong. Of course, something would have to keep it from shutting your car off once you start driving, but I think it could be made so the auto shut off stops when the doors are unlocked.

Anyway, whether you get to your car on time or not each morning, it will be warm for you. You won't have to trudge two blocks in the freezing cold, only to sit in an equally cold car.

Isn't that a great idea? Wouldn't you just pee your pants if you had an idea like that? Isn't that idea awesome, without being painfully awesome? Don't you wish your ideas made people happy enough to rip a polite fart without feeling it build up? You know, where you giggle so much that a little one pops out?

Don't you?

I mean, isn't that a great idea?

Guys?

Oh, go to hell.