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E-mails, Comments, Clarifications and Random Complaints From Readers ...................Paul Ryan
Oh! Young man/lady, don't you roll over and go back to sleep! You'll get up and read your column if I have to pick you up and carry you downstairs in your underoos! Get up! Get up! Wrapping yourself up in the sheets won't get you anywhere. Keep it up and I'll go get a bucket of ice. That will get you up. Today's column is full of letters. Let's go to our first one, which is from someone who calls himself "Canucker." Canucker, like most Canadians who write to me about my anti-Canada page, is a raving idiot. Here's the proof: Hello Mr. Webjerk. Your comments on your "Daily Ramblings" about Canadians are wrong, and not funny... Who do you think you are putting down successful people who happen to make millions of dollars that are Canadian? Jelous? I think so! Canada's internationally respected more so then you war-craving Americans. So SHUT-UP, and don't mess with Canadians you stupid yank! Run for the hills, Maude! We've messed with the Canadians once too many times! "Celebrities who happen to make millions of dollars that are Canadian"? You do realize that a million dollars in "Canadian" comes out to a cup of coffee and the free kids crossword puzzle on the placemat here in America, right? But yes, I am jelous of you. I am so incredibly jelous that if I were more jelous, I'd be the most jelous person alive. Dope. P.S. You may have a good health care system, but you're still part of a monarchy. Therefore, no one respects you worth a damn, because you're not even your own country. You're a lame castoff of England. Cheers! Actually, I like Canada. But I hate stupid people the same no matter where they're from. Our second letter comes from Adam in Richfield, Minn. Adam, believe it or not, actually wrote to comment about a column I wrote. Wow! An on-topic e-mail! What are the chances? Anyway, Adam is a friend of mine, was worried about my review of incredibly cheap and potent beer (Column 192, December 6, "Camo 24 XXXXX Taste Test"). Today's column was full of drama for me. I was worried that you were actually going to drink the "Camo24 XXXXX" or whatever it's called. Then, when you actually did, I thought, "My gosh! That kind of cheap booze is like drinking kerosene! My boyhood friend is going to go blind!" That would've been bad, 'cause you'd have had to finish typing the column without the benefit of your eyesight. It would've looked something like this: (sound of Adam screaming as he gouges out his own eyes) askjf iewhnvkfowe, ksdf a fjldjfi sdriewnnvasl fasKkfain, a;fivakewi93h3n. Oh, if people complained, I could have just told them it was German. Would anyone really know the difference? Besides the Germans, I mean. Ian of Bloomington, Minn. is our next letter writer. Not only that, but he's the winner of the "Call Me Tony" contest I had when someone I interviewed called me Tony by mistake (Column 195, December 11, "Take Your Readers To Work Day"). Hey There Tony, how ya doin', pal? It's been a long time, Tony, and boy oh boy do we have alot of catching up to do! You know Tony, your day really *would* be a lot better if you started out every morning by sprinkeling a couple of ground up Vicodin on your Frosted Flakes. I mean, Christ knows pretty much everybody in the world is all hopped up on stimulants or cruisin' on downers or some damn thing, Tony. Why not join in? Hey, Tony, do you remember "The Wizard," that Fred Savage movie about Nintendo? Where they gave the world a sneak preview of Super Marion Brothers 3? Damn Tony, that was a kick ass movie. Well, I tell ya, I have to get going. But you have a good day, Tony. I'll see ya around. Normally, I wouldn't print an entire letter like that, but I felt the need to include the Fred Savage part. Mr. Savage needs all the help he can get, and I'm happy to give him a bit of publicity on this site. By the way, Ian will receive a copy of the Hulk Hogan movie, "Suburban Commando" in the mail for winning the contest. That's all for this week, everyone. I hope reading all these fun letters will get you in the mood to send me more letters. Because without letters, I melt into a small, lonely glob of tapioca pudding.
1 oz. butterscotch schnapps
It works great for people who like to have a little less "eggnog" taste in their eggnog, if that makes sense. Have fun, and remember to send me presents next week!
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Good morning, reader, time to wake up! Reader? Wake up, it's time for your daily column. Oh, now don't you give me any of that. You have to get up and read your column every morning. It's an important for kids your age. If you don't read your column every day, you'll be a very sorry little boy/girl!
