We Must Kill The Vampires At Once!

You asked for it, and now you've got it. This is my first pro-war column. No, I'm not talking about the war in Iraq. I still don't think we should bomb them. I'm talking about bombing Blantyre, Malawi.

Why should we bomb this country? Vampires. You heard me. There's vampires there. I read an Associated Press article today that says frightened villagers in Malawi have beaten to death two men who they thought were vampires, attacked a politician thought to be harboring vampires, attacked three visiting priests, and destroyed an aid group's camp that they thought was a vampire headquarters.

Christopher Walken had better stay out of Malawi, what with him being a vampire and all. He's a very polite and nice vampire though, and a fantastic dancer.

The vampires in Malawi aren't like him, though. I'm reading into the news reports, and I don't like what I see. These vampires don't suck blood with fangs, like normal vampires. These are modern vampires. They climb to the roof of a house, pump sleeping gas down the chimney, and then go inside and use syringes to draw blood from the people in the house. It's sad when being a vampire requires a nursing degree. And skill with gassing people through a chimney.

But the news reports don't say whether enough blood is drawn to kill the victim or not. Maybe the vampires just draw a pint of blood, like the amount you give when you have a physical. That wouldn't be so bad. If the vampires were approached peacefully, perhaps a deal could be reached where the blood would be tested for cholesterol before the vampires drink it. That would be a benefit for everyone.

Just between you and me though, I'd like to see the vampires go "old school" again, leaving fang marks in their victims and working day shifts as "The Count" on Sesame Street. But that's another column in itself.

Anyway, if the vampires refuse the cholesterol testing deal, I say we load up our planes and start dropping mass justice.

I know most Americans think it's silly to believe in vampires, but if that many people in Malawi claim the tales are true, then they probably are true. Obviously, Malawi is overrun with vampires. Scientific vampires. Now, problems with ants, rats, cockroaches, and other unwanted vermin can usually be handled by exterminators, but I think vampires call for something with a little more kick. I say we bomb the bejeezus out of them.

If what I'm assuming from the news reports is correct - and I'm sure it is - the vampires do not yet have anti-aircraft weaponry. How are they going to stop us? Throw syringes at our planes? I'm diabetic, so I can tell you from experience that throwing syringes at people doesn't kill them. It just makes them extremely angry. Especially when you just throw them at random people in your apartment building. Throwing syringes at the planes of the U.S. Air Force would be even more useless.

So that's my stance on war. "If vampires are causin' trouble, bomb them into rubble." The president must be alerted. If anyone has the sense to bomb a country based solely on its alleged vampire population, I'm willing to bet it's George W. Bush.

Come on , Georgie. Wesley Snipes and Sarah Michelle Gellar are just actors. They can't kill the vampires. We have to do this one ourselves. The world needs us. Let's bag us some real bad guys.