The Hangover

(Paul sits in a chair with a large glass of water beside him. He looks exhausted, and drinks the water as if he'd been lost in the Sahara Desert for the past two months. One of Paul's many servants attempts to bring him his normal breakfast.)

Servant: Here's your reheated pizza sir. We made it extra greasy for you.

(For a brief moment, Paul looks as if he's going to vomit all over the carpeting. After a few tense moments of uncertainty, he recovers.)

Paul: No thank you. Take it away.

Servant: But sir, you love pizza for breakfast! Here, just smell it. Doesn't that smell good?

(Paul chokes back a hurl, and violently swats the platter out of his servant's hand.)

Paul: I SAID TAKE IT AWAY! BE GONE, INSOLENT FOOL!

(The scene fades out as Paul sits in agony in front of his TV, cursing his lack of cable, which leaves him with only five channels.)

Thank you. This has been a public announcement from the Daily Ramblings Network, reminding you of the dangers of alcohol. Paul hardly ever drinks anymore, and this is why. In fact, Paul hasn't had alcohol in almost two months. This is mostly because he's poor, but also because he doesn't enjoy waking up feeling like he's been hit by a large truck. Needless to say, Paul woke up on Saturday morning with this very feeling.

Paul also realizes he is stupid for going to a place like TGI Friday's for drinks. The waiters there are inherently evil, and would probably force mixed drinks down their own mothers' throats if it got them a larger tip. Paul also realizes that he is stupid for allowing women to come with him and his friends when they went drinking. While women are not inherently evil, like the waiters at TGI Friday's, they are a big part of the waiters' evil plans, because it is a well-known fact that a man cannot turn down a shot or drink brought by the waiter when women are present, for fear of looking like an incredible sissy.

Hence, Paul's horrendous hangover.

We here at the Daily Ramblings Network hope today's column has been educational for men everywhere. We hope you will be responsible enough not to drink at places of inherent evil, and especially not when there are women with you. For the ladies out there, we hope you will not ask men to go to places of inherent evil, where the imperialist gender rules of society will force them to drink whatever is placed in front of them, no matter how terrible the consequences.

Thank you, and have a sober evening. God knows Paul plans to for at least another two months, if not longer. That is, unless he's hanging out with women. Luckily, Paul usually doesn't have to worry about that.