A guest column by accomplished actor, Craig T. Nelson

Dear Craig T. Nelson,
I can't believe "Coach" only ran for nine years. What a great TV show! Thanks for all the great episodes! You should run for president!

Sincerely,
Darrell Reckway

Dear Darrell,
I've got a better idea, you stupid son of a bitch. How about I, Craig T. Nelson, come to your house and shove a buttplug in your eye? Would you like that, you little prick? I'll teach you to make fun of me! I'll teach you ALL to make fun of me, you bastards!

All the best,
Craig T. Nelson

Dear Craig T. Nelson,
Our family watched "Coach" for its entire nine-year run. I'd like to take this time to thank you for providing clean, quality family television for Americans. Today's shows are all dirty and mindless.

Sincerely,
Burt Jax

Dear Burt,
Hey, guess what motherfucker? I, Craig T. Nelson, am on a new show, you filthy bitch. You dare insult my new show? You dare say it's dirty and mindless?? I'll kill you! I'll kill you like the fat motherfucker you are! I've killed men before, and I'm not afraid to kill again. Don't fall asleep, Burt. Just . . . don't . . . fall asleep.

Best wishes,
Craig T. Nelson

Dear Craig T. Nelson,
Oh my God, you are so awesome! You're really a talented actor. Will you marry me?

Sincerely,
Anna Johnson

Dear Anna,
Don't be sarcastic to me, you little skank. Otherwise, I'll come to your house and show you naked pictures of Jerry Van Dyke until you cry. Then, when you get off the bus before school the following morning, I'll drag you out in front of all your classmates and shave your hairy back. You got that? GOOD.

God bless,
Craig T. Nelson

Dear Craig T. Nelson,
You couldn't act your way out of a wet paper bag. Seriously, you're the biggest pussy ever.

Sincerely,
Lenny Benson

Dear Lenny,
Your behavior is extremely immature. Do you know what I do to immature people? I come over to their house and stab them in the groin with a pudding spoon. Is that what you want, Lenny? Is it? I suggest you show me some goddamn respect. I'M CRAIG T. NELSON, AND MY BALLS ARE BIG AS COCONUTS!

Would YOU like to send a letter to Craig T. Nelson? Just click here. If you don't send Craig T. Nelson a letter, he'll come over to your house, eat your first-born child, and kill you with your own grandmother.