My Christmas Newsletter

original print date, December 15 2000

.........Paul Ryan,
.........Columnist

.........*Note: all sarcastic text is in italics.
.........Well, it?s that time of year again, where I have to write this asinine letter to jackasses, cheapskates and perverts. Of course, I am talking about my family and friends.
.........Seeing that anyone who reads this column is most likely disturbed or greatly retarded in some way anyway, I have found it fitting to share this letter with you as well. So here it is. Now you can?t get mad when I don?t buy you any presents for Christmas.

Dear friends, family and T.J. Hooker,
.........Though I know none of you care, please feel free to read through this update of what?s happening in my life. And if any of you find out who started this ridiculous tradition of people updating each other yearly on all the things no one would ask them about in conversation during the whole year because they were afraid they?d be literally bored to death by it, please kill them very, very slowly and painfully. Thank you.

Family
.........The family is doing great, except for those few members who we all know have their troubles: my brother Mike, who?s still in jail for shooting three of Santa?s elves at the mall; Grandma Josie, who was arrested for making those delicious peanut butter, jelly and crystal meth sandwiches (I?ll miss those come New Year?s Eve); my eight year-old cousin Susie, who was put in juvenile hall for running that prostitution ring we all thought was so cute at first; and then uncle Mort, who is no longer allowed within 50 feet of the turtles at the zoo. Too bad Mort. We all know how much you loved those turtles. Unfortunately, sick as it is, we all also know how much you loved those turtles.

Job
.........I have no job, and therefore, you will all be getting empty liquor bottles chucked at your head as your Christmas presents.

School*
.........School is going great! UWS just made plans to start building a $16 million health and wellness center! I?m sooooo glad we all decided to spend the $16 million entirely on division three athletes, instead of on our actual education! I mean, it?s not like we came here to learn or anything, we?re all here to play division three sports!
.........Besides, it?s not like we need the money for anything else. Who needs new books in our library? The old, tattered, entirely pre-1960s stock we have works just fine for researching modern topics. And what?s this I hear about other campuses having residence halls with big rooms or suites to live in? You don?t need to be comfortable when all you?re doing in your room is sleeping, eating, studying, relaxing, hanging with friends, watching T.V., working out and living with another person who?s trying to do all those things the same time you are.

*Sarcasm literally dripping off the newspaper right now*
.........So I?m glad we?re building that new health and wellness center. Though it may not include any actual health or wellness areas, like someplace students can go when they?re sick; nevertheless, I?m sure our football, lacrosse, tennis and gymnastics teams will really enjoy it.
.........So that?s what?s new, family and friends. Now send me some money.

Who is most likely a real family member of mine?
Mike (elf shooter)
Grandma Josie (crystal meth)
Suzie (prostituition ring)
Mort (turtle lover)

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