I am a big winner! Yaaay!

Note: Paul is still very ill, and writing a column may not be the best thing for him right now. But there are no "sick days" here at Daily Ramblings, so we have dragged Paul from his bed and forced him, at knifepoint, to sit at his desk until he produces a column. So the column he produced for today is, um . . . well, you'll see. That fever of his hit him pretty hard today.

First off, I am very flattered to have been selected as one of this year's Ann Bancroft Foundation award winners. Four awards are given each year, and I was amazed when told that I was the winner in the "Girl" category.

I'm just tickled dirty to be selected for such a fine honor.

As most of us know, Ann Bancroft was one of the first chicks to ski across Antarctica, as well as the first chick to cross both the North and South Poles (Apparently, that doesn't count trips made by airplane), and a fine lady who had countless other amazing achievements.

And to think, when I was first told of my win, I thought the award was in honor of Anne Bancroft, the woman from that Dustin Hoffman movie, "The Graduate". Boy was my face red.

I am humbled even more by the other 2003 winners, who have done so much more than I could ever hope to do. Winner in the "Woman" category was Anna Nicole Smith, who proved that even hideous, disgusting, out of shape embarrassments who marry old men for money can get their own TV show. Winner in the "Individual" category was Christina Aguilera, who for years has worked to raise the level of respect for all women with her songs and videos, which include no sexual content whatsoever. Winner in the "Organization" category was the delightful 80s band "Dexy's Midnight Runners", for reasons unknown.

But I will try to live up to my new reputation as a women's rights activist. We all know that for almost a year, I have run this website with one goal in mind: to give women the right to use the shower in my apartment. I say it's time women started using my shower. Is my shower not a place for the fairer sex? Is it just a shower for me, a man? I think not.

But now that I've won this award, I will take on more issues than ever. Not only shall I make sure women are allowed to shower in my apartment on a regular basis, but I shall also make sure women are allowed to work higher-paid jobs than me, slaving away at the office while I sit at home writing this column and watching pornography.

No, no! Not regular pornography. Cartoon pornography. When Gargomel gets it on with Smurfette, no one gets hurt, because it's all just voice acting and crude drawings!

Thank you! Thank you! Be sure to get drunk and hit on your waitress! I know I will!

Note: As you can see, Paul has fallen into a state of near insanity. This is what happens when you're diabetic, and are not allowed to use cold and flu medicines. You take half a bottle of Tylenol, mix it with anti-freeze, and hope it renders you numb. Want to see what we mean? Paul's condition can be vaguely portrayed by this photo, but more accurately displayed by this photo.