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Things I would do for money

original print date, February 2 2001

.........Paul Ryan,
.........Columnist

.....To stay with the theme of this ?Around Town? issue of the Promethean, I wanted to write a column on all the fun things to do in Superior. Yes, that?s right, I have indeed tackled the exhausting task of carefully describing all the fun things to do in Suptown. All three of them.

---drinking booze
---laughing at people who are barfing from drinking booze
---feeling good knowing you already barfed an hour ago from drinking booze

.....Unfortunately, three things will not fill up an entire column. It is also unfortunate that these three things usually all happen in the same night, leaving us with nothing to do the next day.
.....So to battle the boredom of life in Superior, I will once again offer my services. I will give you folks (?folks? meaning ?sadistic punks?) the chance to pay me to entertain you. Here is a small list of options for you:

Free
.....Assuming you pass vigorous tests proving your physical attractiveness and immunity to sexually transmitted diseases, you (?you? being ?woman?) may kiss me. You must then agree that I may lie and describe the event as a sleazy one night stand when I tell all of my friends about it.

$10
.....You can punch me in the face, and I, with my incredible acting/theatre ability, will cry on command. Or you can punch me in the face for free and I will still probably cry. Unfortunately, this way would not allow you to see incredible acting/theatre abilities.

$20
.....I will poop in the shoe of the person of your choice. If you try to pay me in Canadian currency, I will poop in your shoe.

$50
.....I will call and remind you every time Survivor II is on. Keep in mind that this doesn?t mean I won?t violently curse you out for watching Survivor II, you mindless, drooling freak.

$75
.....I will shovel your elderly neighbor?s driveway wearing a shirt that says, ?I shovel driveways for sexual favors.? I will then shovel your driveway while wearing a shirt that says, ?The neighbors paid for this one too.?

$100
.....I will walk into the chancellor?s office naked, climb up on his desk, and dance a wild, leg-kicking jig, singing ?The Boys Are Back in Town.?

$50,000/year for life
.....I will stop writing this column forever. Something tells me Superior is going to sell a lot of lottery tickets today.

.....There. Now no one can complain that they have nothing to do. I have offered every possible fun activity, and I have promised to do each one much better than Student Senate President Chris Voltzke would. Especially the jig dance. So enjoy!

Would you like to touch my monkey?



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