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Use of profanity extremely underrated by 2000 WNA awards committee .........Paul Ryan, .........Columnist .....When it came time to go to the Wisconsin Newspaper Association (WNA) annual college newspaper awards on February 2, I donned my best cornflower blue leisure suit, stovepipe hat and ivory cane and headed for Madison. .....I told myself that driving nearly eight hours with jazzed-up purple velour underpants on would be well worth it when I received my ?best column writing? prize. .....I mean, who else even had a chance? No one had gone to the deep depths of reporting that I had (see the column I did last year titled, ?The Editor in chief smells like cheez-its?), no one had the interactive ability with its readers that my column did (see the column titled, ?Touch Paul Ryan and get a damn quarter?) and I made certain that my column had at least three times as much profanity as any other in the state. .....Well, the water in my hot pink bucket of sweet, sweet love certainly turned a deadish brown when my name was not announced for the honor. .....I looked at the columnists that won, and by jove, they didn?t have any profanity at all! In fact, I found the winning writer?s column on textbook rental to be extremely unfunny, and in need of some major profanity and/or full-frontal nudity. .....Aaron J. Brown, my evil arch nemesis, took second prize in column writing at the conference. Obviously, his many wild nights of fornication with WNA members paid off handsomely. .....But nonetheless, I must find a way to raise my chances of winning. If I were to find some way to increase the level of profanity in this column by one billion percent, perhaps the elderly, fragile and deathly conservative WNA judges would be as impressed as the Washington Post editor at the conference was when I handed him my resume written in crayon. .....(Just for the record, the Washington Post editor said: ?Your parents should be shot.?) .....But alas, as I sit in my home alone, drinking Tang like a monkey in outerspace, with my leisure suit heavily wrinkled and my top hat in the hands of Madison ghetto children who pushed me in front of a bus and stole it, I am planning my revenge. .....Tang is an excellent drink for times when you?re planning revenge. .....So this is what I?ll do. At some point in this semester, I will print a column so dreadfully filthy that even you (you?re the reader) will fall over and begin convulsing. It will be so insanely dirty that the entire administration of UWS will simultaneously implode upon reading it (Don?t think I didn?t know how many of you would thoroughly enjoy the thought of that...and that includes you professors as well). .....As you may well have already guessed, I will take the finished product of this column from you-know-where (Hint: it?s down below; and yes, I mean Australia) and send it in for an award. .....It may not be next time, or the time after that, but in the style of George Bush, READ MY LIPS (To do this, simply stare at my column picture for three hours. Afterwards, you will either imagine it to be moving or go blind): It will be done. .....For the record, no, I?m not sure why my lips talk in italics. .....Some of you may think this is a clever trick to get you to keep reading my column. And well, umm....I gotta go.
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