Writing exercise five: become a literary pornographer!

There are many forms of fine art, reader, but none are finer than the art of porn. For years, porn has ruled the world. Though many may deny it, there's nothing America loves more than watching strangers hump.

Think about it. What do people search for most on the Internet? Porn. What's the most popular genre of VHS and DVD sales? Porn. It is in our products, our advertisements, our television programming, our magazines, and in every cheap hotel room in the world (And probably the expensive ones, too). If you claim you don't watch porn, you're lying, because it's impossible to avoid.

But porn does have a good side. It's the one chance for dirty old men stricken with mental illness to be counted as a prime marketing group. Proof once again that everybody is needed for something.

So why not write an erotic story? I can think of about a thousand reasons not to, but that's just me. And today's column isn't for me; it's for the rest of you sick, kinky bastards. So enjoy it.

Believe it or not, there are websites that teach you how to write erotic novels. From this moment forward, I will refer to erotic novels as "poontang lore". It sounds classier. Anyway, the p-tang lore website has an exercise to teach you how to write your own special brand of smut. The questions asked in the exercise will be shown in boldface, while my wiseass answers are in regular font type.

Write down an erotic fantasy about a sexual experience that you would have in a minute if it were offered to you, no questions asked. It should be something you would have no reservations or conditions about doing in real life.

Rachael Leigh Cook in a gigantic vat of chocolate pudding.

Write down an erotic fantasy about a sexual experience that you would only have under certain conditions. You could give yourself up wholeheartedly under those conditions, but otherwise not at all.

Tori Amos in a gigantic vat of Jell-O. But only if I was certain my friends wouldn't find out.

Write down an erotic fantasy about a sexual experience that you could not do because it is either physically impossible or something you could never bring yourself to do in real life.

Joan Rivers in a gigantic vat of Oil of Olay.

That was a pretty short exercise, so to make this column worthwhile (Insert cheap joke of your own here), I'll add some tips of my own for writing good poontang lore:

Tip 1: Keep your story realistic. If you don't think it's possible for one of your characters to satisfy 57 people in one hour, and you think 48 people is a more reasonable number, go with 48. People turned off by the absurd thought of satisfying 57 people could very well enjoy the realistic and seemingly mundane idea of satisfying 48 people .

Tip 2: Do not name any of your male characters "Dirk". It's been done.

Tip 3: As funny as it may be to add flatulence jokes in the middle of a love scene, it really does ruin the moment. Scenes that involve characters pooping their pants are also discouraged, unless it's part of the fetish you're trying to portray. And if that's the case, let me be the first to say, "You're a hideous freak".

Tip 4: Though it may seem like the ethical way to end your erotic story, having all your characters die of AIDS and Hepatitis B may not be well-received by readers.

Tip 5: When including a midget in your story, remember to add more explanation of the term "midget". Otherwise, the reader won't know whether you're referring to the character's overall height, or just certain extremities.

That concludes "writing exercise week". I hope you all learned something. If you didn't, it's probably because you didn't donate money to me, and the horrific guilt is hindering your basic motor skills.

Friday Drink Recipe. I had some people complain that the summertime ice cream drinks were making this feature seem like an Applebee's cookbook, so we'll be going back to real mixed drinks again. I'm not a man who is going to be compared to Applebee's twice.

This week's recipe is from Meghan in Spokane, Wash. It's called an "Electric Smurf", and it's her favorite. I think the name sounds like Papa Smurf doing a popular dance, or possibly like the result of some lesser Smurf getting cooked in a microwave.

1 oz. Malibu rum
1 oz. Blue Curacao
Sprite
Pineapple juice

Put ice cubes in a glass and add the Malibu and Blue Curacao. Fill the rest of the glass half with Sprite and half with pineapple juice. Stir and serve. If you serve before stirring, you will die.

I added that last line, in case you couldn't tell. Keep sending in your drink recipes. I'm fresh out.