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The one-year anniversary of Daily Ramblings ...................Paul Ryan
I own you. Of course, I'm kidding. There were many more funny columns than unfunny ones. To prove this, I'd like to spend some time honoring the funniest columns from the past year. If it works for sitcoms, why can't it work for humor columns?
Remember when I did an exclusive interview with Emanuel Lewis, star of the hit 1980s sitcom "Webster"? Not only did this column provide tremendous insight into the complicated life of one of Hollywood's greatest and most sought-after entertainers, it was also a very funny interview. Who would have thought that such a short, hideous little cretin like Emanuel Lewis could be so funny? The tearful part of the interview came when Lewis revealed that during the filming of "Webster", he had to go to the bathroom in empty Coca-Cola bottles because the toilet in his dressing room was too high......Read the full article . . .
This was a classic. Fearing that an upcoming horseback riding trip could turn embarrassing, I attempted to surgically remove my own hymen to prevent breakage. What a laugh it was, halfway through the self-operation, when I found out what a hymen really was, and how men don't have one! By the time the paramedics arrived, I was so disoriented from the loss of blood that I was attempting to insert a small pocket watch into my own esophagus......Read the full article . . .
The day after my horrendous experience with self-surgery, I was back writing columns again. And what a column it was! I traveled to my old high school and taught the kids how to pull an awesome prank. First, we stole three pigs from a farm. Then we attached signs to the pigs, labeling them as #1, #2, and #4. Then we greased up the pigs with Crisco and released them in the school. After spending hours catching pigs #1, #2, and #4, the teachers spent the next few days searching for the non-existent pig #3. An equally funny moment was when the angry school principal took me into his office and poured Lysol toilet cleaner into my eye......Read the full article . . .
This was quite possibly the best contest I ever sponsored on this website. I took the rolodex from my office and held a contest to see which reader could find the weirdest place to put it. The only downside is that now all my important phone numbers are lodged inside the anus of a panda bear in Mannington, West Virginia......Read the full article . . .
It was a fearful time for all Daily Ramblings fans when I went undercover to find what was hidden in Ted Nugent's shower. There were many theories - most of which involved finding a nuclear weapon hanging, ready for use, next to the soap dish - but the ending turned out pretty disappointing. After a thorough search, I determined that Nugent had never actually used his shower before......Read the full article . . .
After years of being slapped in the face by women for my crude comments, I decided I wasn't going to take it anymore. Every time a woman slapped me, I planned on slapping her right back. Readers felt really involved in the action, because I taped a camera to my head and had streaming footage of the fights broadcast live via satellite. The hours of unfiltered slap fighting, hair pulling, clawing, and intense sobbing proved me to be the weakest pansy in La Crosse. But it earned me the best ratings ever for this website, so who cares?.....Read the full article . . .
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Today marks one full year of daily columns. On May 6, 2002, I wrote what would be the first of 250 columns for the year. Some columns were funny, and others were not. For every column that made you laugh, there was another that was entirely not funny. Using this theory, I estimate that I have tricked the dedicated reader into suffering through 125 extremely unfunny columns.
