Vote me, Paul Ryan, as your next Student Senate President

original print date, April 11 2001

.........Paul Ryan,
.........Columnist

.....Yes, yes, I know what you?re thinking. ?Paul Ryan as Student Senate president? You?ve got to be kidding!? Well, I am not.
.....Granted, I haven?t really filled out the needed petitions or put my name on the ballot, but vote for me anyway. This brings me to my campaign slogan:
?VOTE FOR ME, STOOPID!? Please notice the ever-important all capital letters and bold/italic lettering, which shows that the slogan/message is indeed truly great and important. Also notice that I spelled the word ?stoopid?, with two ?o?s? instead of the normal ?u?. It shows I am zany, despite my articulate and proper nature.
.....Now, I don?t know much about this ?presidency? bit, but I?ve been told that one should have issues. Seeing this, I have put together a list of things that will come to pass when (not if, when) I am voted Supreme Grand Central Sucka of UWS.
.....These ?issues?, which will not be voted on by anyone but me (that will be the first thing I make legal), may not be stolen or used by any other candidates. This means you, Steph Hilton. You may have stolen my idea for a pornography reading room in the library last year, but this year you will not be allowed such tricks.
.....My issues are as follows:

.....*Anyone found cheating on their boyfriend/girlfriend/particular date for that evening will be ignored, but any woman cheating on me will be hung nude by their ankles in the RSC for picture taking.

.....*Any professor found scheduling a class before 10 a.m. will be woken by those very students just as many times during their next vacation period.

.....*Three words: keggers in Crownhart.

.....*Instructors Bruce Kasden and Todd Kneeland will be named ?Grand Poobah Chancellors of UWS?. Current Chancellor Julius Erlenbach will be traded to the University of Michigan for their football team, and his office will be replaced by a ?Tilt-o-Whirl? machine.

.....*Current senate president Chris Voltke will work together with a monkey on rollerskates (a monkey that wears a beanie, of course) to find new ways to get me women. Whippings will occur if any of their ideas involve the words ?Stargate? or ?just try harder.?

.....*The UWS cheerleaders will be forced to defeat me in mud wrestling (not just one of you, all of you...individually) in order to attain segregated fee funding. All other organizations will battle for funding through a campus belching contest, hosted by the late Burl Ives.

.....*If I lose any of the mud wrestling matches, the entire idea will be thrown out. Funding will return to the normal procedure, except that the salaries of SUFAC members will be determined by the student organization that receives the least funding from them.

.....*Anyone that doesn?t agree that my mom is ?the keenest mom around? will be injected with the herpes virus.

.....*After declaring war on the neighboring WITC and pillaging their goods, services and other resources, we will then begin to overtake other small community colleges in the area until we are strong enough to overtake UMD, which is filled with heinous bastard children.

.....So vote for me. Your future depends on it, you butthole.

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