Worst. Idea. Ever.

Microsoft is working on a new portable toilet with Internet access, called the iLoo. They'll be testing it out at festivals in England over the next year.

Before we continue with this column, I'd like to get the obvious jokes out of the way, such as "Microsoft has always been for crap anyway", "I hope there's a USB port for my webcam", and "If Microsoft starts selling toilet paper with their logo on it, I'll buy a lifetime supply".

I'm glad we got that over with. Now let's discuss this wireless poopy collector.

First off, I give it about an hour before some drunkard comes in and pees all over the computer screen. Secondly, I give it about six hours before some daring delinquent takes a crap on the keyboard. Seriously Microsoft, what the hell were you thinking when you came up with this thing?

This bad idea only gets worse. The diagram of the iLoo, shown in this article, has a sidenote that says, "Wireless keyboard can be used on lap". This is hands-down the most repulsive thing I have ever heard. Why would I want to touch a keyboard that has been on someone else's naked crotch? If I want crabs, I'll get it from fornicating with one of the skanks I seduce at the festival, thank you very much.

But really, is this technology even logical? I can't think of anyone who's willing to actually sit down on the seat in a portable toilet. In my experience, the portable toilet is a place for whizzing only. If you have to do anything else and can't hold it, you squat above the seat, thereby avoiding the microscopic strain of chlamydia reaching for your buttocks. It's hard enough trying to squat over the seat, so how are people supposed to hold the keyboard on their lap and type as well?

Try it yourself. Take your keyboard, unattach it from your computer, bring it into the bathroom with you, and try to squat over the toilet while typing "I should not obtrude my affairs so much on the notice of my readers if very particular inquiries had not been made by my townsmen concerning my mode of life." Oh who cares what your roommate thinks. Just do it. It's dangerous, isn't it?

Speaking of danger, more specifically the aversion of it, the iLoo will have a security guard present at all times, to prevent people from stealing the computer equipment. How incredibly cost-effective that must be. And what a wonderful ego booster for the security guard, who would then be in charge of guarding a computer that's chained up inside a big plastic bin full of poop. Here's an example of what the security guard's daily work log might look like:

11:45 am: Removed wireless keyboard from toilet.

12:37 pm: Removed wireless keyboard from toilet again.

1:54 pm: Cleaned feces smeared on keyboard. They do not pay me nearly enough for the things I do here.

2:45 pm: Removed wireless keyboard from unflushed toilet. The cleaning rag I used shall not fully recover.

3:13 pm: Confronted man who had been masturbating to Internet porn for 45 minutes.

3:56 pm: Removed wireless keyboard from toilet for seventeenth time this hour alone. Cursed vandals for lack of originality.

5:30 pm: Wiped urine off screen and surrounding floor area. Again.

6:45 pm: Removed wireless keyboard from sink. Found change to be enjoyable.

7:00 pm: Broke lock on door and physically removed naked, unwiped man who had passed out inside.

8:30 pm: Internet connection not working. Called for repairman. Couldn't find repairman willing to fix computer in foul smelling port-a-john. Tried to fix problem myself. Nearly vomited from tremendously overpowering odor.

10:07 pm: Urine, feces, vomit, other bodily fluids seep into computer system, frying machine circuits and rendering computer useless.

Seriously, there are a million reasons why the iLoo is a bad idea. And the guy standing in front of you in the line to use it is just one of them.

Thursday Surprise will be late this week. I'm working on a new flash short that involves George W. Bush rapping with Bill Clinton doing a beat-box. It'll be good, but it's taking a lot of work. Check back on Friday for it. Also check your newsreader, because I'll post the update there, too, which will be especially helpful if it ends up taking longer than expected.