You must worship me, you untalented fools!

How uncomfortable all the people in this cafe must feel, being in my presence. I am such a great actor that their enthusiasm must be nearly impossible to hold back. Holy swinging Jesus tits, I am one tremendous hunk of an acting man.

Many of these people may recognize me from my commanding role as "Professor Moonpie" in the Burbank Community Theater production of "Nuts to You: Squirrel Trouble". Others may recognize me from the latest Hi-Way Motors commercial, where I smile and point at a car with my index finger. The way in which I do this action is both mesmerizing and unforgettable. It is like the image of me pointing is permanently burned into the viewer's cerebellum.

"Deals on wheels! Steals of deals on automobiles!" Ha ha! If only the owner of the car dealership hadn't taken the part of the salesman for himself. I would have sparkled in that role.

But those performances - as flawless and definitive as they may be - are only a taste of what I am really capable of. Just look at my picture. Have you ever seen a picture of a man who is acting with all his might? Now you have. In that picture, every part of me is acting. My goatee is acting. My ponytail is acting. My mole is acting. We are all working together 24 hours a day to bring the world a performance. If the picture hadn't been taken right at that second, I might have passed out from the tremendous amount of stress that builds up when too much talent flows through one human being.

Clark Gable and Humphrey Bogart were known to faint from time to time, because of the rush a great actor gets after producing brilliance. After that photo of me was taken, I had to sit down and drink apple juice and nibble on graham crackers to regain my strength. I take my acting work seriously, and it is a 24-hour job.

You see, when I sit my hulking mass of talented self down in a chair at this restaurant, or browse the restaurant's menu in a ruggedly handsome manner, or ask the waiter in poorly spoken French whether it would be possible to get coleslaw with my chicken filet sandwich, I am acting. And someday, when there is a role for a man ordering a chicken filet sandwich, I will have an edge.

Sometimes, if that edge is not enough during a script reading, or if I feel like showing off, I will run my fingers through my goatee for dramatic effect. It works. Oh, how it works! What may look to you like pubic hairs glued to my face is in reality a secret weapon!

But I will not resort to such showboating during lunch. Today I would just like to eat in peace. I will slouch in my chair and strategically arrange the condiment bottles so my screaming legions of fans will not notice me. This bottle of dijon mustard shall discourage people from recognizing me, the same way my goatee discourages people from recognizing my balding head.

Next month I will star as an extra in a Denny's commercial. I cannot even imagine how difficult it will be to eat in public after that role. I have heard rumor that the ladies love Denny's. I do not understand this information, but I plan to use it to my advantage. With the combination of Denny's and myself - perhaps the two greatest lady seducers in all of recorded history - the world will forever be changed.

You cannot stop the revolution from happening. All you can do is embrace myself and Denny's, and hope that we do not use our powers for evil purposes.

Friday drink recipe. Don't you think it's time for a sophisticated drink? Isn't it time for something classy? Well, nothing says classy better than gin. Or at least that's what I assume, since I never drink gin. Anyway, here's a drink that sounds fun. It's called a "Gin-Dew-It". 1 shot of gin
6 oz. of Moutain Dew
1 splash of Sprite
Juice of 1/2 lime Put some ice in a regular glass, put in the gin, pour in the Dew, then . . . why am I describing this? Just pour in the ingredients and add a lime wedge to make it look nice. This is a great one after a tough day of work, school, or sitting around the beach ogling people.