A message from your boss

Attention everyone. It's Monday, the first day of the work week. I, your boss, have an important message for you: stop d**ing around on the Internet, and get to work.

I don't care if it's Monday. I don't care if you're depressed because the weekend is over. I don't care if Mondays only serve to remind you that the world is a hopeless, never-ending cycle of routine, none of which you care about or really want to participate in. I'm your boss, and I have my own problems, and one of those problems is all of you. So once again, stop d**king around on the Internet, and get to work.

I realize that your Internet connection at home probably isn't as fast as the one here. I understand that you are drawn to the quickness and reliability of our high-speed Internet line. I understand that whenever you walk by my office, you see me spending the majority of my time surfing the Internet. But I am your boss, and I have earned the right to spend each day looking at pictures of hot ladies disrobing, and downloading hardcore bondage videos. You have not earned that right, and therefore must stop d**king around on the Internet, and get to work.

I also understand that Ebay does not put its auctions on hold while you're at work. I understand that a "Suck on a lemon, Fred Allen!" t-shirt is hard to come by - especially one that's in your size - and that many other people across the world are also bidding on that same item. But I also understand that Ebay has an automatic bidding system, where you set an overall top price and any other bids made below that price are automatically matched. But you should set your automatic bidding system at home beforehand, so when you arrive here, you can stop d**king around on the Internet, and get to work.

If this abuse doesn't stop, there are methods I can use to persuade you. Our IT guy keeps a log of all the computers in our system. I know some of the things you are looking at. For instance, Andy in accounting likes to visit a chat room for transsexuals. Betty in customer service frequently queries search engines for the phrases "cheap abortions" and "prison sentence for abandoning baby in dumpster". And possibly worst of all, Ian in the mortgage department looks at a sickening website called "Daily Ramblings". I will not even describe the inappropriate content found at that website. These small examples of public embarrassment I have put forth make up just one more reason why all of you should stop d**king around on the Internet, and get to work.

I don't buy into the idea that 90% of America's working population spends most of their company time not working. I don't agree that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. I think any employee who comes in with a hangover should be executed. And I think employees should be stabbed in the pancreas if they don't stop d**king around on the Internet, and get to work.

That's all for this morning. Your unvarying, changeless, conforming weekly schedule begins now. The time you have spent listening to this announcement will be docked from your next paycheck. Thank you for agreeing to stop d**king around on the Internet, and get to work.

Oh, and remember: this Friday is our monthly "casual day", so feel free to come to work in a dress shirt without a tie. No jeans, though. You still have to wear dress pants. We've had problems with jeans. Thank you.