Tips on vandalism/hooliganism (y'know, for kids!)

It's that time of year again, when school is winding down and kids are planning pranks to use on their teachers. In the town where The Newspaper - which employs me - is located, there is a history of hooliganism around this time of year.

Over the past six years, the high school principal has had 40 rolls of toilet paper thrown in his trees (in one night), dirty words painted on every window in his house, every exterior door greased with Vaseline, and the words "F**K YOU, PERVERT" sprayed into his lawn with weed killer.

Because of this, the principal has gone to the city council to push for harsher anti-vandalism laws. The next kids who get caught doing anything to his house could be charged with a misdemeanor, or possibly even a felony. Another nearby town has enacted a fine of $600 for toilet papering or egging houses.

So what I'm trying to say here, kids, is things are getting risky out there. While you used to be able to spray paint the words "PENIS WORLD" on the front of your principal's home, such a fun and obviously victimless act could now bring hefty legal charges. Even something as miniscule as vomiting in your teacher's mailbox could be considered a punishable offense.

It's time to have someone else do your dirty work for you, kids. And with the power of the Internet, you no longer have to buy ice cream sandwiches for the fat kid at school to get him to do your pranks for you. Not when www.doodoo.com is around.

It's a revolutionary website that allows you - for $20 - to have a box of horse crap sent to the victim of your choice. That's right, horse crap. So instead of risking a felony charge by painting a giant pair of breasts on your principal's garage door, just send him poop, along with a note that says "Eat up spanky, or you won't get any dessert".

Seriously, I'm not even joking about this stuff. The person who owns the website claims to send horse poop to people through the mail. Of course, such an act is illegal, so who knows. But luckily, there's another solution for those of you who are looking for something a little more legal: www.doodie.allhere.com.

While it's illegal to send dog poop, horse poop, rabid armadillo poop, or any other kind of raw poop through the mail, it is legal to send organic fertilizer through the mail. And the people at this website are willing to do it. You have your choice of a $10.95 teaser load (3 oz.), a $14.95 healthy load (1/2 lb.), or a $19.95 mother load (2 lbs). If you want to send more than 2 lbs. of poop, they will happily haggle with you on pricing.

This is the smart thing to do, kids. Not only will you be safe from legal action, you'll also be the most popular kid in school. Why spend money buying toilet paper, eggs, paint, and weed killer when you can spend much less and have poop delivered to your teachers? I'll bet your parents will be glowing with pride once they hear about your mature financial decision:

Other Guy's Dad: My son burned the phrase "KEEP YOUR DAMN LEGS CLOSED" into the lawn of his science teacher, Miss Anderson.

Your Dad: Hey, that's wonderful! Did he get caught?

Other Guy's Dad: Yeah. The police apprehended him at the scene, and beat him to death.

Your Dad: That's a shame. My son had a gift-wrapped box of horse s**t sent to his history teacher's house, along with a note that said, "Your mother is a sexual amusement park".

Other Guy's Dad: Wow! Would you like to trade sons?

Your Dad: No. Your son's dead.

Other Guy's Dad: Oh yeah. My bad.

So get to it, kids! Be the first on your block to send feces to a teacher. Because once you graduate and move on to college, you won't be able to go around doing childish things anymore. People in college have to be mature.