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Column number 305 ...................Paul Ryan
Column number 305 is not column number 304, and it is certainly not column number 306. And while you may wish that column number 305 were column number 1,746, we're still dealing with a very fine column here! Column number 305 is a very fine column indeed! So fine is column number 305 that I sold the left half of my pancreas for it! I can get a prescription for insulin; or if that doesn't work, I can just commit suicide; it's no big deal; column number 305 is so great, I can do anything, including misuse semicolons; just like; I am now! Column number 305 is not a scam or trick. Column number 305 is not a hoax or hoodwink, or a way to get inside your pants and play with your things! No sir or madam, column number 305 will not frank your furters or honk your hooters or twist your ta-ta's or wank your wieners! That is, unless you want column number 305 to do those things. If you are a dirty, debauching donkey perv, column number 305 will give you a rogering you won't soon forget! Such options are just another way of saying, Hey! This is freakin' column number 305!" Your mom loves column number 305. Your father loves column number 305. Your uncle and your cousin and your fat grandmother who drowned in the toilet, they all love column number 305. Column number 305 is not a subsidiary of column number 112.7 or column number b-47. Column number 305 is not signed to a contract or owned by the man or rented by the man or subleased to the man by his "man men". Column number 305 is like an independent record store that doesn't sell records. Column number 305 is like a porn starlet with a gag reflex. Column number 305 is what column number 308 would be if it only had some talent, DAMNIT! I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do about this column number 305. I'm going to take it - "it" being column number 305 - and I'm gonna force you to buy it, for your own good! If somebody doesn't come and buy column number 305 in the next 12 minutes, I'm going to purchase all your favorite clothing stores and convert them into "The Buckle" stores. Unless you buy column number 305 today, you won't be able to go shopping without being harassed every moment by salespeople in trendy clothing who treat you like you're beneath them because you just aren't cool enough, and they can't believe they have to be seen helping someone like you.
What's that, potential purchaser of column number 305? You, a budding vendee of column number 305, enjoy shopping at "The Buckle"? Then you do not deserve column number 305. Column number 305 and myself motion our steel-toed boots in the general direction of your groin.
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It's column number 305! What's so special about column number 305? I'll tell ya what's so special about column number 305! Column number 305 is special in many ways! Column number 305 has many features and amazing attributes! Column number 305 will make you happy, and cook you breakfast, and will force the release of even the most stubborn bowel obstructions!
