The new column photo

It's not often that a columnist changes their column photo. Most columnists are old, and see their outdated photos as a personal fountain of youth. As long as the column picture stays the same, so do they. Once the photo is updated, the fat sags on their wrinkled faces, and their hair is whisked away with only a large bald spot remaining.

Much like the radio DJ, the newspaper columnist is an ugly cretin who would rather live in a cave than show their readers what they really look like. For instance, Dear Abby is dead, yet her photo makes her look like she's merely recovering from her hourly botox treatment:

I think the person on the right is her son. What? That's her daughter? Wow. Her daughter looks like a man. A man who doesn't know how to wear his toupee properly.

Dave Barry is another columnist who hasn't updated his picture in decades. He's fat and bald now, but his photo makes him look like he's young and thin . . . and returning from a painful root canal:

I like how it looks like he's sitting in the dark with a black shirt on for his column photo. It kinda looks like he's invisible. Whoa.

Anyway, Dave Barry is actually 108 years old. This is what he looks like now:

The sun is mighty hot in Miami, and sunburns are a bitch.

So why am I giving you all this useless, inaccurate, and slightly libelous background information? What is my point? Well, I finally got a new column photo today at The Newspaper - which employs me. My old one, if you remember, made me look like the guy at the dinner table who just let out a nasty squeaker:

My new photo trades the dorky smile for a mild look of annoyance. It's almost as if the new photo dislikes the old photo, and is about to tell the grinning idiot to shove it up his peeper. "Hey, happy guy. Shove it up your peeper!"

Notice how I have a pen behind my ear. Studies show that guys with pens behind their ears are twice as likely to have fists like iron. Studies also show they are twice as likely to forget about the pen, and not notice it until they go to bed that night. But I'm daring enough to take that chance.

Of course, that photo wasn't my first choice. There were many other varieties that my editor rejected. Such as angry Paul:

suspicious Paul:

and, of course, Burt Reynolds Paul:

I'm happy with my new column photo, which is saying a lot for someone who has disliked every photo ever taken of him. I hope you like this photo as well, reader. I'll probably be using it for the next 60 years.

Wednesday Music Spotlight. Do you like oranges? Do you like British bands? Would you enjoy a British band named "The Oranges Band"? Yes. Yes you would.

Reader Comments

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zamboni      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I liked Suspicious Paul better... Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I think all of you have way too much time on your hands. Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Paul apparently had enough time to make a Paul art gallery of himself The Flash      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   You honestly think someone would have enough free time to make a Paul art gallery? Good lord that\'s wrong. Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Diiiiiiii - I\'m a tard, I forgot my name. Scuse me, I need to go get on the short bus now. Today I get to DRIVE it. :)      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   It\'s like a gallery of Paul - I wouldn\'t want to pay admission to see this gallery, however Aaron J. Brown      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   If you liked Paul\'s self-loving collection of photos, check this out: www.emotioneric.com. This guy has been doing the equivelant of today\'s Ramblings for about five years.

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