Want to go shopping for things you will eventually put in your mouth?

Hello and welcome to our new reality television series, "Paul Goes Shopping For Some Sh*t That He Will Eventually Put Into His Mouth". Of course, the title is a bit misleading. While the main star of our series is named Paul, and while he will be putting the items he buys into his mouth at some point in time, he will not under any circumstances actually be putting sh*t in his mouth. Our apologies.

Our location for today's program is Cub Foods, a popular supermarket in the La Crosse, Wis. area. The location was chosen because our cameraman, Murray, used to fornicate with a woman who worked for this particular supermarket chain. Way to go, Murray!

There are many opinions on what today's program will bring, but no matter how well Paul fares today, one thing is for sure: this location certainly has a lot of sh*t for people to put in their mouths.

Paul has arrived. He arrived in a 1993 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme that is suffering from a leaky intake, causing the engine to maintain a higher temperature than normal. Paul is coming through the doors of the supermarket with a large cart that he appears to be riding on, much like a four-year-old boy who's spent hours drinking Red Bull and eating Pixie Sticks. The phones here at our studio have been ringing off the hook with viewers concerned about the cart's impact on Paul's energy. As an unbiased broadcaster, I can tell you based on proven facts that exerting less energy may indeed cause Paul to put less sh*t in his mouth.

It seems Paul is heading towards the dairy section first, and is picking up some cream. While most would assume that's for coffee, I think it's safe to assume that Paul will be using that for white russians.

Wait! What's this? It appears Paul is . . . yes! He's pulling a large plastic cup he picked up in aisle 14 out of his cart, and is mixing a white russian right there in the supermarket! I have not seen such a brilliant strategic move in all of the six days I've hosted this program.

Woooaaahhhhhhhhhhh nelly! Look out! Here come some of the employees from Cub Foods, and boy do they look irritated! Drinking liquor inside the store - especially prior to purchase - is looked down upon by the owners of this establishment. Paul may pay a hefty price for his brutal and uncontrollable alcoholism.

And we're off! Paul elbows one employee, knocking her to the ground, and dodges another worker on the ground. He's high-stepping it to aisle three . . . let me say that it's amazing how he's been able to evade all those employees without spilling his drink . . . what's this . . . oh, BAM! I don't think anyone saw that hit coming! An obese man buying cottage cheese caught Paul off-guard! Is he an off-duty Cub Foods worker, or a prudish citizen looking to enforce prohibition in America's supermarkets?

If he's a prude, then he's lost another battle. Paul has gotten away by removing his pants and running down aisle 12! Paul, our boxer shorts wonder, is heading back towards the liquor section! I think he's . . . yes! He's grabbed two bottles of gin and is drinking them as he runs from his assailants!

LORD-A-MERCY! He's just broken a gin bottle over the head of one of the employees! Take that home to your mother, you minimum wage monkey! Ha ha! But hope is growing dim for Paul. The police and fire department have arrived, and are cornering him near the fresh meat section. He's throwing raw bratwurst at the officers, but they still seem to have him right where they want him. In a last ditch attempt at getting cheers from onlookers, Paul sings a song, the words to which I shall not repeat here.

They're closing in on him. Paul looks like a frightened squirrel during mating season. But like a cornered animal, Paul has decided not to go down without a fight! He's attempting to drink the entire 1.75-liter bottle of gin that's in his hand! The officers swarm on him! They try to take away the bottle, but Paul cannot be stopped! Ladies and gentlemen, you are witnessing what is perhaps the greatest moment in the history of television!

Has he?!? Has he done it?!? YES! YES HE HAS! THE LAST OF THE GIN BOTTLE IS GONE, AND PAUL IS VOMITING FERIOCIOUSLY ONTO THE FLOOR OF THE SUPERMARKET! What a spectacular showcase. Like fireworks on New Year's, Paul's time on our program has ended with a bang.

God bless him, ladies and gentlemen. God bless him!

Reader Comments

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ImmortalBeloved      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Thank God for boxer shorts Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I\'m sure Paul would if he were frightened. He looks like one of those \"pee in your pants when you\'re scared\" kind of people. Zamboni      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Don\'t squirrels usually urinate when they\'re frightened? The Flash      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Paul, that wasn\'t an obese man. Just because you had a bad sexual experience with Bertha doesn\'t mean you had to be a jackass.

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