The postmaster is a jerk

original print date, June 20 2003

...................Paul Ryan

Who is this postmaster, you ask? This so-called master of posts who apparently is so talented with posts as to be named postmaster? Is it some crafty Internet Wizard who goes from messageboard to messageboard posting things?

Um, actually it's just the guy in charge of the post office. But he still may very well be an Internet Wizard. Either way, he's a jerk.

I parked my car by the side of the road today, like usual. When I returned a few hours later, I found this piece of paper slipped under my windshield wiper:

Most of the mailboxes in town are near the road, and the back end of my car was barely covering part of a mailbox. Keep in mind that the mailboxes are still a good two feet from the actual road, which means there's no possible way I could block someone from getting their mail. Not unless their mail carrier is the laziest bastard alive. I could understand if I were out in the middle of nowhere, where the mail carriers drive up to each mailbox, but this was an urban area where the mail carriers walk from house to house.

But please, forgive me mail carrier and postmaster. I have done a terrible thing in making you actually walk the extra two feet around my car when delivering the mail. I can't thank you enough for making a special exception on this occasion, or rather, for having "made and [sic] exception in delivering the mail today".

One thing, though: I'm confused as to how my parking in front of someone else's mailbox could result in me not receiving mail. Does the mail carrier write down my license plate number, look it up in the state records, and then refuse to deliver my mail? Does he also find my neighbors, friends, and clients and refuse to deliver their mail as well? Does he leave them little notes like this one, telling them to beat the bejeezus out of me? I realize vengeance has always been a big thing for postal employees, but isn't all that a little extreme?

I decided to design my own little card, which I will put under the windshield of all the cars in the employee parking section at the post office.

The difference will be that mine will actually have all the words spelled correctly.

Friday Drink Recipe. I'm exhausted today, which means I'll dig into the grab bag o' drinks and pick one out randomly. Okay, our drink for this week is from Kimmy in Clintonville, Wis. It's called an "Alien Urine Sample".

3/4 oz. Midori
3/4 oz. Peach Schnapps
3/4 oz. Malibu Rum
3/4 oz. Creme de Banane
Splash of Sweet and Sour Mix
Splash of Club Soda
1/2 oz. Blue Curacao

Shake with ice and strain into a glass. Float the Curacao, people. Float the Curacao.

I realize that's a lot of ingredients. As many of my long-time readers may know, I usually try to have mixed drinks on here that are easy for everyone to do. But this is the only recipe I have left. Feel free to send your own in by clicking on the "Comment to Paul" link below this column.


 Reader Comments
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joetta     Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm  
hope you\'re feeling better. you sound so angry. cheer up.
paul ryan     Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm  
Oops. Meant to say \"cars of the postal workers\". I\'ll fix that.
tom     Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm  
why would you put that message under the windshield of all the cop cars at the police station? wouldn\'t it be better to put that message under the windshields of the postal workers vehicles?
paul ryan     Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm  
Well, I thought this would happen: the comments section has finally been abused. Some jackass just tried to add 690 blank comments to this page. I deleted them all, and banned the son of a bitch from this site. Let that be a lesson to anyone else who wants to make my day difficult.
The Flash     Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm  
The mail carriers don\'t deliver the right mail half the time anyway so you usually will recieve your friend\'s and family\'s mail. Maybe they just don\'t likt Paul.
RC Cola     Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm  
\"Your neighbor, friend, client, or yourself not receiving today\'s mail\"? Sounds like a threat to me. Those post masters can be vicious.
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