Tom Heuer: get a job you bum

original print date, June 23 2003

...................Paul Ryan

My friend, Tom Heuer, quit his job last Friday. He went from getting paid for doing nothing all day to being an unemployed loser who does nothing all day. He quit his job so he could do the same thing at home in his underoos. Like most people, I understand the joy of sitting in a chair and doing nothing, sans pants. And like most people, the thought of being able to sit at home and doing nothing without pants on makes me insanely jealous. Which is exactly why I have to start harassing him to get a job.

Please wait a moment while I contemplate what a bastard Tom is for not having to go to work today.

Okay, I'm done.

My jealousy of Tom started last week, when he sent me an e-mail explaining how he was spending his last week at work doing larger amounts of nothing. As if doing nothing at work weren't enough, he was actually making an effort to be extra useless. Here's an excerpt from his e-mail, which seems to have been written in the form of a VISA commercial:

during these last 2 weeks at my job, i have wondered to myself, "is it possible to work less than i was working before, when in fact, i wasn't working before?"

-work performed before = 0
-work performed now = -1
-net amount of work performed = -1
-amount of $$ this agency pays me to read online comic strips, post on messageboards, walk around the building saying "what are they gonna do, fire me?" and pooping in the desks of my least favorite co-workers = $12.73/hour
-knowing that i will be leaving this shit-hole-of-a-state in 5 days = priceless

If VISA's commercials were that good, I'd apply for a dozen of their credit cards.

The reason why I keep mentioning VISA in this column is because I owe them roughly $1,000, and I'm hoping they'll find this and erase the rest of my bill. For the VISA employees reading this column, my account number is 5432-9682-3454-1237-0966-6969-13f6-0020-4736-POOP-2360-1098. Let's make it happen, VISA.

Wait a minute. This column isn't about erasing my debts, it's about telling that lazy bastard Tom to get a freakin' job. What are you doing, Tom? Get off the Internet, take a shower to wash off the horrendous hobo stench, and get a job. Geraldo Rivera has a job. You don't. What does that say about you?

In case you need some advice on what lucrative career to go into, I've compiled a list of jobs you'd be qualified for:

  • I know you like to cook, Tom, so I thought this job would be perfect for you. I hear there's a lot of room for advancement within the company. Plus, the other employees there will probably share a similar IQ level. Plus, your mom already works there, so at least you'd know somebody.

  • Speaking of cooking, this job is one that you and your mom could apply for together!

  • If there's one thing you're really good at, Tom, it's being a jackass. I can't count the number of times you and I have almost been beaten to death for making smartass remarks to people twice our size. This job will harness your skills as a jackass, and put them to use against stupid people who deserve to be mistreated. While there may be a few customers you'll meet in this job who will actually be smart, 99% of them will be people who would have trouble breathing if it weren't an involuntary function of the human body.

  • If all else fails, go for a job that's in a stable career market. This job may not sound great, but if you scroll to the "job outlook" category at the bottom of the page, you'll see that this career is here to stay. Plus there was once a movie made about this profession, starring Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez! Wow, talk about a glamorous career!

I hope this helps you find a job, Tom. If not, you can do what everyone else does: file for unemployment, and use your weekly check to buy malt liquor and lottery tickets.

Perverted Poll. Don't forget to visit this site's regular Monday feature, Perverted Poll.


 Reader Comments
page:   1     Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm  
    Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm  
8berse6     Oct 15, 1577 • 11:33am  
Nice move putting your account number here, free porn for me!
Zamboni     Oct 15, 3039 • 10:56am  
Oh my god, they gave \"Men at Work\" FOUR stars?!! Jojo has crapped funnier things than that. Like this time we fed him soap crayons and his ass surrendered a Matisse....
The Flash     Oct 15, 8139 • 10:56am  
If Tom really wanted to be ambitious...he could always apply to be a cook at Hooters. You can\'t tell me he wouldn\'t enjoy that job. Unless he was Paul.
Paul Ryan     Oct 15, 6290 • 10:56am  
Actually, I guess that\'s not what caused the problem. I looked in my site logs, and there\'s some visitor who has no listed IP address that apparently visited this column 13 times this morning. The time is listed as 9:47:03 p.m. for every hit.
TractorInc     Oct 15, 6029 • 10:56am  
Must. Not. Refresh. php.
Katers     Oct 15, 7937 • 10:56am  
I think it was Mastercard, not Visa, that does the commercials. And filing for unemployment isn\'t bad, because then you get to suck off of the government tit for an extended period of time.
Paul Ryan     Oct 15, 7116 • 10:56am  
Okay, I\'m not sure what happened, but the comments section is fixed now. Whatever you do, don\'t refresh the additem.php page (where you add your comment). I think that\'s what makes it go loopy.
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