The bicycle bandit

The Town Of The Newspaper Which Employs Me is in a state of crisis. The bicycle thief has struck again!

Who is this bicycle thief? Or more importantly, why does this town's police chief refer to him as "the bicycle thief", and not "the bicycle bandit"? I mean, come on people! "Bicycle bandit" has two opening "B's"!

To answer your original question - which you didn't actually ask - the bicycle bandit is a man who has been known to steal a bicycle, ride it to a house he wants to burglarize, and then ditch it and steal another bicycle to make his getaway. Pure brilliance! Obviously, everyone will be on the lookout for a man on a blue bike, so ditch it and steal a pink bike instead.

Let's ignore, for a moment, the fact that a criminal is actually escaping from capture using a freakin' bicycle.

Seriously, doesn't it take some time to steal a bicycle? Sure, you can steal an eight-year-old's Huffy without much effort, but doesn't a bicycle made for a man require a person to pick locks or something? Wouldn't it make him fairly easy to catch, since he has to steal a new bicycle every time he commits a crime?

Also, doesn't this limit the criminal's choices in who to rob? You'd think he'd get tired of going around searching for houses to rob that have a healthy supply of bicycles. "Nope, can't rob that one. No bicycles."

On the positive side, at least most people whose bikes are stolen will end up getting them back. All they have to do is wait and hope the bicycle bandit robs another house. "Yeah! I get my bicycle back!"

There's one piece of information about the bicycle bandit I've been holding back. There is one small detail about him that could help identify him. He's missing a finger from both of his hands.

I'm not kidding. Not only is this man making a clean getaway on a bicycle, and taking the time to steal a new bike every time he commits a crime, but he's missing a finger on each hand, and the police have been unable to catch him. How hard is it to find a guy with missing fingers? The guy has to buy food at some point. Somebody has to notice when a purchase is made by a guy with four fingers on each hand . . . who rode to the store on a bicycle.

I'm going to use the rest of this column to send out a plea to the people of The Town Of The Newspaper Which Employs Me. For the love of God, if some guy robs your house, and then peddles away on a bicycle, follow him. The guy's riding a bicycle, so it can't be that hard. You know another bicycle is going to be there waiting for you, since he ditches his old one and takes a new one every time. Or better yet, get in your car and follow him.

All in all, this situation is pretty exciting. In fact, the only way I think this could be more exciting is if the one-armed drummer from Def Leppard started robbing banks.

Wednesday Music Spotlight. White Light Motorcade is an interesting band that plays some rockin' tunes. This song, "It's Happening", is one of their best. Or is it? I don't know because I don't have their CD. But hey, I just found out about them, too. Let's discover them together, reader. You can come over to my apartment, and we can watch kung-fu movies and listen to White Light Motorcade. We'll be bestest friends forever, reader.

Okay, never mind. Just listen to the damn song. You'll like it.